I'll get through this

It's funny. I just realized I write more here either when I'm heartbroken or too happy and so much in love. Writings really is a therapy. I can release the negative emotions and in the happier times, magnify that happiness by a hundred times over.

Today is his birthday. I really wanted to celebrate it with him before and somehow I feel a bit of a loss. Then again, it's not my fault.

Because I still felt a bit down, I started questioning the reality of love and whether or not I should believe it. Then again, I guess no matter how painful it is, I will still find myself believing that true love exists. A kind of love that will make the hurt go away and never return. I hope it's not wishful thinking. Haha soon enough, when the pain subsides, a new love will begin. Be it not a romantic kind of love, yet a kind that will make my heart feel lighter.

HBD '14

I've been celebrating your birthday for the past 5 years. First, we spent it with my sis and your friends at your house. Second, I gave you a surprise cake from Max's and cooked spaghetti.  Third, I gave you a cake from Bakerite and treated you to Gumbo's. Fourth, we've broken up by then. You had a gf then and I just sent you a message. Fifth, was last year. You joined a marathon and I was there with you and Tito. I gave you a runner's cap. And now, I don't even want to greet you. You broke my heart. Even wanted to forget this day altogether but that's just ain't happening, right? I wanna write you off the face of the Earth. I hate you, womanizer, you, liar! Cheater! Have a happy fucked up life, you stupid moronic person! I just hate you. FU.

This is what I wrote earlier yet through it all I can't help but at least greet you a happy birthday. I'm seen zoned. Not even a thank you at that but oh well. I shouldn't care much.

Enough

Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe we were never supposed to be lovers. Maybe we don't really belong in each other's lives. Bam, turtle, my love...for the 2nd time you cheated on me. You said that you'd work hard to gain back my trust. You said that I was the only one. That I was your future wife. Being the fool that I am, I believed you. For the nth time, I believed you. How many times must you hurt me? How many times will you fool me? As much as I love you, even my love is not enough to satisfy you. You are greedy.

I wanted for things to be okay. I honestly believed that it would work out. That eventually you'd be back to the way you were before. An honest and dependable man that I adored. But I think you're too caught up in your lies that you don't even see where you're headed anymore. Your indecisiveness, guile, and quite frankly, your worldly lust and selfishness has gotten the better of you. You say that you love me but managed to spend the night with other women in your bed? Is my love not enough?

This isn't the kind of relationship I want. I'm drowning in my insecurities and yet you won't give me any assurance where we're heading. It tears me up inside and every time this happens all I can think off is, am I not enough?

But dear, I am enough. I am more than enough. For who loves me, I will be enough. I don't have to compete for time. I won't have to ask the simplest request. I won't have to fight for your attention. Coz I deserve someone who'll give me all that without the tiniest bit of hesitation. I deserve a real man in my life. Someone who wouldn't draw up castles in the sky only to break them down with the harshness of reality.

With every bit of my heart, I love you...but even the strongest of love will break under these insurmountable lies. I had done enough. I had cried enough. I gave you more than second chances. And yet, I was not enough...and I guess I never will. Maybe it's really time to bid farewell to this relationship...

And to the girl who befriended me, Karla, I really did like you. I really thought that we could have been good friends. I guess I'm really a bad judge of character. You were no friend at all. You lied to me. I confronted you and still you lied. How dare you sleep with my guy? How dare you feign innocence and make me feel like everything was all in my head? Then again, if you can't even respect yourself, how can I expect you to respect me. It's funny coz you wished our relationship goodluck and told me you were rooting for us. What the hell, Karla. I really shouldn't have trusted you. You are after all one of his exes.

So finally, let's put an end to this dysfunctional relationship. You can keep your bitch. I'm not staying. Rather, I'm moving forward. Far away from assholes like you.

"How do I unlove you?"

A lot of things happened between us. Last year was the worst time I spent with you. You broke my heart and shattered every ounce of hope that maybe this time we can make it. Maybe this time we'll have a love that transcends time. Constant in its beauty and warmth. Always welcoming and comforting.

Last year I thought about you and I together again. Being the romantic type, I thought that having you by my side was the universe's way of saying that it was the way it was meant to be. That you and I belong together. After all, you were the turtle and I was the shell. Life would cease to exist for both of us without the other one around.

But I was wrong.

You so easily left my side.

What I saw in your eyes was not love. Though it was not hate either. What I saw in your eyes were of irritation and of disgust. I asked myself over and over what have I done to deserve that. What have I done for you to easily replace me with another? And then I found myself drowning my sorrows in beer again. Crying and wishing that my world would just end right then and there.

A month had passed with no text or call from you. You left me hanging with the promise that in one month you'd give me an answer. In that span of time, I distanced myself from what we had. I fought hard and was left with a feeling of detachment. For more than five years, I loved you and yet it seemed like the end was inevitable.

On Christmas eve, I was talking to your new girl. She was telling me there was another one involved. I lost my mind. Never once did I think of you as a two-timing kind of guy. Three time at that! But I never talked to you about it. After all, I am nothing but a past you simply could not wait to get rid of.

January came and with that you came back. Suddenly telling me that you made your mind and picked me. That you left everything for me. Deep in my heart I was glad. After everything, it was still me.

I thought that maybe, this time and again, it will work out.

How can you love a man so much to be this stupid? To hurt yourself over and over with a kind of love you always knew was lacking. Are you really happy with this guy or are you just afraid of being alone?

I am still the stupid girl I was before. I am still seeing him. I love this guy enough that it drives me nuts. And yet it's the kind of love that leaves me hurting. He tells me he loves me, but i know for a fact that I love him more. Much more than he can ever love me and it makes me feel lonely that it hurts so much.

I don't think he will be able to fill the void in my heart with his kind of love. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. But how can I let go of someone I love so much? I don't know but I think loving him is causing me more harm than good...but still I can't let go of that person. The person who gave me so much joy and so much pain...

Dan Dan

More and more I find myself falling in love with you. It's not just because you spoil me with food. hehe I get to have my pick and we can eat almost anywhere. I love it when we go to different places together. I don't really care what we do, as long as I'm with you I'm happy. I really really love you. :)

Meeting my future mother-in-law!

We had dinner at Yakimix yesterday with his mom and dad. It was my first time meeting his mom and I was damn nervous! I couldn't really decide on what to wear. I asked a lot of people before finally settling for one of my dresses. I wanted to leave a good impression so I opted to wear a more conservative dress. When I got there I really didn't know how to react. Bam was in a sour mood. He was very tired. They went to Tarlac and back and dinner in Manila straight afterwards. We had a bit of an argument over our meetup place. He criticized my dress and told me that if he was me he'd burn my dress. He told me I looked like a ragdoll and that I was dressing up too old for my age. He called my dress the mommy-dress. I was hurt by his comments. I was already put off my our earlier argument and I was getting very nervous. On top of that, he made me feel ugly. As we pick up some items from the supermarket, he continued taunting my dress. When we finally made out way to Yakimix, he was still going on and on with my dress. We laughed a bit about it but suddenly, I broke down in tears. I really did think I looked pretty in my dress. I went over it for over a day and I even asked my friends to help me pick yet all efforts were wasted. The dress, his mood and my anxiety got the better of me and I cried. It took sometime before I calmed down. At least by then, his mood already improved.

And so there we were, in front of Yakimix, looking for his parents. And a few minutes after, the moment of truth, the introduction. Though I was nervous, I did manage to get a hold of myself; said my greetings and "mano po". I don't really remember much of what we talked about but I think things went smoothly. Hehe ;)

I wasn't able to go back home that night because it was rather late so they invited me to sleep over instead. I couldn't say no so I did. Staying at Bam's house til morning made me a bit closer to his mom. She was rather easy to talk to. She's very nice and accommodating. I guess Tito told her stories about me. She said she hopes that it will be Bam and I in the future and that Tito really likes me for Bam. She added that whoever's Bam's choice is, she'll support him all the way. We also talked about various things; her life abroad, her mom, their life before I met them. I'm really happy I felt minimal awkwardness towards his mom. And I really hope I made a good impression. :)

Then and now and still loving you

It's funny that now you can't seem to let go of my hand. You always reach out to me wherever we go. I love it that you always want to hold me close. It's quite a turnaround from where we where last year, when you wouldn't even let me touch you.

It's funny how you can't seem to get enough of my kisses. How you'd say goodbye three time before finally getting on your way. I love it that you stall for a bit and spend some more time with me. I love it how we seem like googly eyed teenagers. It's far from last year where you wouldn't even kiss me.

I love it that you came back in to my life. How it seems like the most natural thing to do. How it feels so right to have you with me once again. I love you so much. I'd hug you tight over and over, kiss you in as many ways as you like and never will I ever let go of your hand. Being with you is the sweetest and most perfect thing I could ever ask. Granted our story has a lot of flaws but it only made it more interesting and more beautiful.

I love you so much and I pray that you'd love me the same way, if not more. I love you and I hope we'll stay like this for all eternity; me with you and you with me. I love you and I hope to build a future with you. Cast your doubts aside, I will never leave you ever again. Trust me. Let's make history together. :)