The Truth

He's not a bad guy. In fact, he's the greatest guy I've ever met. He's not perfect but neither am I. If there's one person to blame, it would be me. He loved me more than anyone did. He loved me so much that he managed to let me go. Yet he didn't disappear on me. He didn't erase himself from my life. He stayed not as a boyfriend but as a friend. He finally let me go and I'm happy. It relieved me of all the pressure I had. Yet I know I'm hurting him still.

I had to let him go. It's hard enough falling for someone when you're committed, yet it's harder harboring a broken heart while in it. It's pretty clear that it was I who had fault. I fell in love with someone else.

I don't know anymore if I'm trudging in the right path. All I know is I must rise from where I have fallen. I don't know how long it will take. I'm not even sure if he's still gonna be there when I'm done recovering, but I must take my time. I must accept the fact that he's out of my life.

My apologies to that person. Things may change between us, but you will still be very dear to me. You are very special to me and I care for you deeply. I know you love me and I'm very thankful. Thank you for letting me breathe. Thank you for setting me free.

I know you're not giving up on me and I really appreciate the effort. I don't know what will happen. Only time can tell...this situation will either make us stronger or tear us apart.

Venting it out...

Why is it so easy for you to give up? When you have a responsibility to carry out, you do it to your full power. You have to at least try. You might not like it at first, but you have to try. YOU NEVER GIVE UP WITHOUT TRYING!!! If it was so easy to just give up then the organization would be no more. It would cease to exist. As servant leaders, we do not just do what we please. We do what will benefit our members. What will benefit the majority. We think of their welfare before ours. With faulty leadership, their trust will begin to crumble. Seeing nothing done in the organization that promised them so much, they might withdraw their membership. Without people supporting the organization, it withers away and eventually dies.

Being a leader has a lot of responsibility. Why take on a responsibility not knowing how much it will cost you? You might say that you were merely assigned to the position, but by sitting in office you accepted its responsibility alongside its power.*Sigh* There are many things you need to learn. When you take on something, you give your everything. You put you heart and soul into it, so that we the time comes you can say that you've given yourself for it. You have to believe in what you do. You have to understand why you're doing something. You do not just follow orders. You have to understand what the order was for. You have to judge whether you will follow or not. You have been selected as the voice of your people so be that someone and do your job! You speak up.

You need vision. You need a goal. Without a goal, people lose sight of where they're heading. And in the case of those in power, they lose sight of where they're leading their people. A goal is that something you strive hard to achieve you never stop having goals. When you accomplished one, you push through with the next one. Little by little you emerge from the bottom. You climb higher and higher, achieving greater and greater goals. Eventually, you will find the vision within reach. And if not, you leave a legacy and let the next generation reach for it. If you taught them well enough, they'll establish a new vision for they'll make reality the vision of your term.

I can only teach you so much. You have to learn for yourself, the same way has I have. There was no one to tell me what was right or what was wrong. I relied on my co-officers and asked for advices from the previous terms. I hear all what they have to say and based from that I make a decision. I cannot just do what I think is best at a whim. I have to think and rethink a decision many times before I put it down.

So it is

I guess I'm not welcome in your life anymore. So it is...

Panic

I accidentally saw you yesterday.

After buying Soya milk I sat outside Higher Grounds. I was too lazy to walk towards Engineering building. I just kept thinking and convincing myself that I won't see you, that I was there because I was lazy, that's all. I figured you might not be there, my boyfriend will meet up with me any minute, everything was okay. I kept on looking at your building, thinking of you. How I won't be able to see you. I already thought of many excuses why so, I even distracted myself by playing some game from my cellular phone. It passed the time a bit. Just me with my cold serving of Soya milk. Yumm...And then, you were there.

I saw you with a friend. I saw you just as I was about to take another sip of my drink. My hand missed the cup and almost dropped it. If it didn't have a lid on it, it would have spilled. Oh boy. Would you have noticed me if I spilled my milk? Did you see me yesterday? Too shocked to see you, I panicked. What the hell can I say to you? After all the stupid things I've done. After eating my pride and reaching out to you. What the hell was I supposed to say? You dropped my calls more than a few times. Wouldn't even reply to my messages. I'm so ashamed of myself so doing so yet I persisted. And I've began to hate myself for all the stupidity I've done. I'm so ashamed.

There I was, trying to catch my fallen cup. Watching from a distance how you are once more outside my reach. My heart pounding, my mind floating, pulse racing. Did you notice me at all? With all the stupid things going through my head, I did what my instincts tell me. I ran away.

I don't have the courage to come up to you. I don't have the guts to greet or even just to say hi. I don't think I'll be able to look you in the eye and say I'm okay. It was so stupid seeing you. So stupid that it affected me so much. I don't think I can take it.

I know I have lost you. You are not my lover nor am I yours. But for a moment, I felt its reality. How you and I were somewhere reason cannot define. The boundary between right and wrong blurred and I was taken away.

Goodbye was the last word you had for me. It pained me deeply. But life must go on.

Our paths may separate. Reality has once again regained control. Though I had been hurt, I'd never regret meeting you. I'd never regret having you in my life, even just for a short while. You were everything I ever hoped a man could be. And now, thinking of you is but a bitter sweet memory.

Maybe someday we'll meet again. Maybe someday, we'll laugh at the memories we've shared. Maybe someday, we'll be able to talk to each other without the uneasiness I feel...

Maybe someday, we can still be friends.

Decision of Happiness

When does a decision becomes right? Is it when you create happiness for others or is it when you create happiness for yourself? A decision where one has to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of another, isn't that the right way to think? I've been pondering over this for quite sometime now. I guess you must follow whatever it is that makes you happy for in the end a decision which lacks the necessary ingredients will consume you whole. The right decision is when you create happiness not only for yourself but for that person as well. You have to reanalyze whether that person's happiness will mark your own happiness...