You still have my heart

Last night, I summed up the courage to text you. I was very nervous. I thought that it wouldn't matter whether you replied or not. I was anxious and tensed. Finally, you replied. I froze. I started shaking. I was really cold. The conversation was about the money you owe me. You agreed to pay me back. I thought that would be the end of the messages but you asked me how I was. I couldn't take it. I was just too tensed. I was shaking and I couldn't help but cry. I hated myself for feeling that way. Yet I felt as if I pushed too hard on us being friends that I made a few jokes and used a lot of smileys. I felt it was a mistake. Because the moment you stopped replying, I felt stupid. It took me quite a while to calm down. I felt like throwing up. I felt like crying again and the shaking took a while to subside. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much. I guess until I can keep my emotions in check, we can never be friends. You still have the power to affect me so.

Seeing you happy with someone else. Remembering our past. Reliving how it ended. All this gives me a nauseating feeling. I can't bear it. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop.

My Resolve

I cannot dictate my heart to let go and stop hoping yet I know that eventually everything will be in vain. My resolve is to wait this out. Let my heart wait until it can wait no more. Let it tire itself from the useless waiting. Someday, someone more deserving will come. Until that day let nothingness be my comfort. Let the emptiness that you left continue to be a black hole of emotions. You still have a special place in my heart but I will do nothing more. To observe from afar and to detach myself from your present, that would be the best thing to do. To get used to feeling nothing and to be comforted by nothing but when you start to fall from your heaven, I will be there so save you.