Meeting my future mother-in-law!

We had dinner at Yakimix yesterday with his mom and dad. It was my first time meeting his mom and I was damn nervous! I couldn't really decide on what to wear. I asked a lot of people before finally settling for one of my dresses. I wanted to leave a good impression so I opted to wear a more conservative dress. When I got there I really didn't know how to react. Bam was in a sour mood. He was very tired. They went to Tarlac and back and dinner in Manila straight afterwards. We had a bit of an argument over our meetup place. He criticized my dress and told me that if he was me he'd burn my dress. He told me I looked like a ragdoll and that I was dressing up too old for my age. He called my dress the mommy-dress. I was hurt by his comments. I was already put off my our earlier argument and I was getting very nervous. On top of that, he made me feel ugly. As we pick up some items from the supermarket, he continued taunting my dress. When we finally made out way to Yakimix, he was still going on and on with my dress. We laughed a bit about it but suddenly, I broke down in tears. I really did think I looked pretty in my dress. I went over it for over a day and I even asked my friends to help me pick yet all efforts were wasted. The dress, his mood and my anxiety got the better of me and I cried. It took sometime before I calmed down. At least by then, his mood already improved.

And so there we were, in front of Yakimix, looking for his parents. And a few minutes after, the moment of truth, the introduction. Though I was nervous, I did manage to get a hold of myself; said my greetings and "mano po". I don't really remember much of what we talked about but I think things went smoothly. Hehe ;)

I wasn't able to go back home that night because it was rather late so they invited me to sleep over instead. I couldn't say no so I did. Staying at Bam's house til morning made me a bit closer to his mom. She was rather easy to talk to. She's very nice and accommodating. I guess Tito told her stories about me. She said she hopes that it will be Bam and I in the future and that Tito really likes me for Bam. She added that whoever's Bam's choice is, she'll support him all the way. We also talked about various things; her life abroad, her mom, their life before I met them. I'm really happy I felt minimal awkwardness towards his mom. And I really hope I made a good impression. :)

Then and now and still loving you

It's funny that now you can't seem to let go of my hand. You always reach out to me wherever we go. I love it that you always want to hold me close. It's quite a turnaround from where we where last year, when you wouldn't even let me touch you.

It's funny how you can't seem to get enough of my kisses. How you'd say goodbye three time before finally getting on your way. I love it that you stall for a bit and spend some more time with me. I love it how we seem like googly eyed teenagers. It's far from last year where you wouldn't even kiss me.

I love it that you came back in to my life. How it seems like the most natural thing to do. How it feels so right to have you with me once again. I love you so much. I'd hug you tight over and over, kiss you in as many ways as you like and never will I ever let go of your hand. Being with you is the sweetest and most perfect thing I could ever ask. Granted our story has a lot of flaws but it only made it more interesting and more beautiful.

I love you so much and I pray that you'd love me the same way, if not more. I love you and I hope we'll stay like this for all eternity; me with you and you with me. I love you and I hope to build a future with you. Cast your doubts aside, I will never leave you ever again. Trust me. Let's make history together. :)

Where do I stand?

Being together just like the old times, yet not having commitments. It makes me really sad but to be with the person I love, I must endure this. Without any certainty, I am still hanging by a thread. All of the negative thoughts still hound me. When he leaves will I be left with nothing again? I'm scared of the direction we're going. More than friends, more like lovers, but without an official relationship. Where do I stand?

I still ask if you really love me. Sometimes I feel like I love you a thousand times more than you love me. Like I'm a dam ready to break all because of my feelings for you. And yet, I don't feel the same from you...because with you I still feel your uncertainty.

You asked me to trust you and I desperately want to but how could I? You know how to make me at ease right? Can you offer me the security of being in a relationship with you? Is that really too much to ask?

I feel like a confidant than a lover...a special friend yet always a meter short of being the girlfriend.

I'm getting hurt...

I love you (2)

More than a year has passed and now we're back in each others' lives. It's stupid to say this but in that span of time, I have not looked at anyone the way I look at you. With you, my heart is all aflutter. It hurts and beats at the same time. It's exciting and thrilling and I don't wanna stop. I love you so much and my only wish is that you'd love me the same way, if not more. I love you, Bam. I long for the day that I can really call you mine. I'm so happy that I have you. I'm so thankful that you came back. There are a lot of questions I always forget to ask but I believe everything will be answered. Just love me and everything will be better. Everything will be grand. I love you.

I love you

It's funny how easy you captured my heart. Yes, it's all yours for the taking, yet there are still some hindrances along our way. I love you and I chose to stay with you forever. So please, take care of my heart. Let's stay strong. I'll make this official in a few more months. :) hehe

Fearing a Heartbreak

It's so easy to fall in love with you. To succumb to the comfort of having you back in my life. My feelings didn't really change. I'm just scared of telling you all these. I'm not prepared. Still, it's hard when you don't know where you stand. We like each other, that's a fact, but to be in a relationship again is a bit too soon. I'm not even sure if you're serious about me. And I can only bear too much. Another strand and my world will go haywire again. To fall back in to the endless abyss of despair. The pain of a heartbreak.

Another Chapter

I'm not sure if it's good or bad but, hey, we're friends again. I don't want to be stuck in the same place ever again. I think I deserve a better story this time. It's not necessarily a love story but it's another chapter with you and I. I don't know what to feel towards you. I'm concerned about you but to what extent I'm not sure. I love your family and I feel as if I'm part of it too. That's how accepted and loved they made me feel. With everything that's going on, I can't help but feel attached.

I'm not sure...

It's weird when something you've been praying for for the longest time becomes a reality. You don't know how to react. I mean, When you've already accepted the fact that there's no chance of getting back together. When you've finally garnered enough courage to pick up the pieces and move on, it happened. They broke up. I'm not really hoping that they'd break up. Before, maybe I would have been thrilled by this but then again I realized that that's just mean and bad. I never meant for him to be hurt. All I wanted was for him to be happy. Even if his happiness is not to be with me. Right now, I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to be there for him but there's hardly any need. He's strong. He can manage. I just want to be there for him for my own sake. Like bridging the gap of years. But another part of me is saying drop it. You've given too much already, don't add insult to your injuries. I really don't know what to do.

Right now, I'm weighing things. I don't want to seem desperate. I still like him. I really do. He is really precious to me yet at the same time I think I'm already falling for someone else. Wherever this goes, I must not make a mistake. I don't wanna be broken again.

Inside my Heart

It's the first I've imagined myself being with someone else. It tugs my heart. A feeling of pain and loneliness mixes with a little bit of hope. Maybe someday I'll be able to find my happiness. Maybe I can smile lovingly at someone else. Until that day, only you reside inside my heart.

Relief

Things turned out better than I expected. I wasn't able to hear much drama from your stories and I'm so glad your family accepted the news wholeheartedly. I know I won't be there as much as I want but keep in mind that I'm still here whenever you need me. Just call me or text me.

I'm just so relieved. Let's prepare for the baby's coming then. :)

Ex-girlfriend

I know I'm a bit out of line. I'm not part of your family. It's not my place to meddle. But still, your family was and is a part of my life that's why I can't just turn away. In the same way, you were also part of my life... Right now, I won't be able to read your thoughts. I guess I'm not the best judge of your character, afterall. But please remember, when at your lowest and no one seems to understand, when you're too tired of explaining and just wants someone to be there, just come to me. I think this is going to be tough on you but I know you can push through. As selfish as it may seem, I just want to be there for you. To give you strength in your time of need. To just be beside you. I still value you very much. I hope with this selfishness you still see the good in me. I was, afterall, someone who treasured you. Someone who's always willing to be there for you, even if I am just your ex-girlfriend.

To a Little Sister I Never Had

I'm really happy to be one of the first people to know about you and your baby. We haven't seen each other in such a long time, I thought you forgot about me. I hope our little chat was able to shed some light on your troubled mind. I love you so much. You are like a little sister I never had. I love your family and I guess I have some insight as to how they will react. I hope everything will turn out for the best for you and your baby.

No matter what happens, I will always stay by your side. I'm just a call or text away. I will always be your friend, come what may.

I dreamt of a lot of things

I dreamt of a lot of things this week. I dreamt that I was hanging out with Carina, Fritz, Osche and Mac-mac. We seemed to get along just fine though there was a slight tension between Carina and I. They were staying at my house. In my dream, you also moved out of your house and was living under my roof as well though for that time being, you were not there. Before we hit the sack, we talked about you. She accused me of flirting with you and blaming me for the cold treatment you were giving her. I was annoyed with that and decided to send you an "I miss you so much" sms. Turns out, your phone was with her. She became furious. Couldn't blame her. But I was smirking. Later, my dad went into the room and she decided to tell on me. My dad just said, "That's why he looked familiar", and walked away. Instead of feeling guilty, I walked as if nothing's wrong. Besides, it was my house after all.

In that dream, I was such a bitch.

In another dream, I saw my shoti. He was making me smile again. He was very nice to me and the atmosphere was almost like love. We were at BRH and we playing tag. We were running and then suddenly upon reaching the ER, I'd slow down and walk. It's like I'm denying the fact that I was with him and that I was playing tag. I'd look at other people's faces and judge their reaction. Outside the ER, I'd continue running after him. We stayed at the plaza. He was still smiling and laughing. He didn't care that I let him run alone. I was the only one he cares about and no amount of judgement from other people can change that. And that's when I felt guilty. I don't feel the same way.

*********

Recently, I've been thinking about you a lot again. I'm even wondering if you're thinking of me too. Does my dream have any bearing with reality. After all, you want to see me. Although for what reason, I am unsure...

And then there's the confession that I received from my shoti. Somehow, it plagues my mind. He's a good kid. But I know I'm not the girl for him.

And so that's it for my thoughts for today.

I Have to Start

One day, I'll learn to stop checking on you. That's a promise that I'll keep for myself.

*Sigh*

I can't help but be reminded of you every single day. So for that, I have to start forgetting you. Let's just see where this goes. Again, this is another step in erasing you from my life.

Happy birthday, Turtle...

This is Awkward

Hey, baby, I finally know why you're acting this way. It's nice  of you to talk to me and tell me what's going on. Now I know that I'm not just imagining the awkwardness between us. *Sigh* That's why you're like that.

Baby, you like me.

When I'm near you, you can't help but feel nervous and tense. You can't act like you normally do. You are so anxious. You mentioned that maybe I just give off a strong vibe but that's just not it. You kept hinting that you like me or that you have a crush on me but it's all loaded with uncertainty. There's a struggle between you being a friend and having a crush on me that you can't help but feel that you have stepped beyond the line of friendship and it makes you feel guilty.

In our entire conversation, you may not have told me directly but it's clear to me that you are attracted to me. I'm not sure to what depths but that fact remains. I yearn for me to care for you and reach out. You hide this with plenty of jokes on the side and your childish demeanor.

Thank you for liking me. Thank you for seeing something special in me.

For a start, I don't hate you but I don't especially like you either. We're cool. I mean, you really are one of my babies.

I remember when we first met. You were a bit hyperactive but you were serious about your studies and you have a high drive for what you do. I really admire that about you. I see a kid in you. Someone I should help mold. In a sense, my shoti.

I don't really know how to break the awkwardness. I'm scared that if I reach out, I might hurt you. I might make you fall harder for me and that's not really my intention. I'm scared that I might give you false hope. I haven't really seen you as a man before...well, even as boy, really. I was just too focused on being a good "ate". And I don't know how to react to this.

I'm done believing

I'm done believing. I'm getting more and more hurt. Can't you see that? Don't open up an old wound. It makes it harder to heal. I'm so freakin' sick of all of this. I'm just too damned hurt. I mean how could you just break through my barriers as if nothing happened? Try to act sweet and show discontentment over your present girlfriend and damn you to compare her to me. You make me feel so stupid. I'm mortified that I'm affected by this. I'm done believing in something that's not there. I'm done believing that you'll come back. It's so damned stupid. To think that things will work out is just plain stupid. You're not doing anything in the first place. You just tip me off the edge and there's nothing I can do but fall deeper and deeper onto you. I'm a freakin' retard. Hay.

Only You

I keep waiting till forever. I wonder if it will come. I wonder if you'll be coming back.

This is frustrating. You really shouldn't have said that you're not that happy or that she isn't me. You put sparks back to an almost extinguished fire. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't be affected but I still am.

Only you can affect me like this. Only you, baby. Only you.

Honestly Real

It's been a long time. I'm not sure how to feel. I am at lost on how to react. I want to be angry and indifferent but it seems I can't. I can't even pretend. When it comes down to you, as stupid my answers or statement means, in all honesty, they are real...

Tangang Pag-ibig

Sana pala pinigilan kita. Sana hindi na lang ako pumayag na siya ang piliin mo. Hindi ko pala kaya. Mahal pala kita. At dahil sa pagmamahal kong ito, ako'y naging makasarili. Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kayang magpanggap. Alam naman halos ng lahat na mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Wala pa ring nagbago. Ang tanga-tanga ko...

Running back

I keep running to where I was. I kept replaying things over and over trying to find out where it went wrong and what I could have done to fix things. I know everything I do now is in vain but I still cannot get over it. Our break up shattered everything that I am and until now I am left broken. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to fully tell you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry that I was such a stupid girl. I'm sorry that everything's over between us. I'm just sad. If only I could have done things differently. If only I wasn't too selfish back then. Still, I cannot change the fact that you're gone.

I'm sorry.

I must eventually get back up. I really must get you out of my mind. Out of my life.

How many times must I say goodbye before I can accept the fact that you're not mine anymore...that whatever I do, nothing will change. You will never be mine ever again...

Constantly

I still think about you constantly. I can't seem to get you out of my mind. It must be obsession. Being stuck in the past really sucks. I must learn to move on. I guess I'm not ready for another relationship either. I am on my own now. Same as when you left me. And I think it will be this way for a long time.

Yeah whatever

Woah! Wow! You actually deleted me from your list of FB friends! Woah. Wow! Congrats. Thanks a lot. It took a while. Hey, yeah. Whatever. Who needs you.

I'm pissed.

Off to sleep. Hope you're happy.

Stabbed Again.

You posted on my wall today. They were pictures of our Japanese cuisine escapade, of our trip to Baguio and Paskuhan celebration with my friends. You didn't even leave a message. You changed your profile picture from something I took three years back. Frankly, I don't know what to think. Probably you're sending me those pictures in order to finally delete them from your end. I'm sorry. I just feel so affected.

Everything is still hard for me. It's not easy for me to interact with you. Probably this is your move to show that we have no hard feelings between us. But why does it still hurt?

I can pretend all I want but I don't think I'm ready for friendship.

To the Person Who Used to be my Hitori

Meeting you again for the first time after two years almost seemed unreal. It was funny and weird at the same time. I really didn't know what to expect. Maybe we'd have a lot of awkward silence and tense moments. Loss of words and ultimately, loss of anything to talk about. But it was beyond what I could have imagined. When I saw you earlier and met me with arms wide outstretched and hugged me tight, I know I need not worry. The person who stood before me was a friend.
Three years ago, my world was shattered when we broke up. I felt devastated and unworthy of love. Of retaining a serious relationship. I felt like a toy that people would just throw away after playing with it. It was as if the torture of my first break up was relived. With no one there to comfort me, no one to ease the pain you left, I felt like trash. I blamed myself and then I blamed you. I was in agony.
Fortunately few months after, I got better. Someone else had taken your place. He saw what you couldn't and from there a relationship blossomed. He was very dear to me but our time together eventually came to an end.
A year after our break up, we saw each other again. I was actually checking whether I still felt something for you. There was none. But I was left with awkwardness.
And then there you were, two years after we last saw each other, checking on me again. Wanting to see me. It felt weird initially. But being the person that I am, I brushed it off as nothing. Instilling in my mind that it has no romantic significance, that it was a friendly gesture. You are after all, engaged. And so we agreed to meet and have lunch. It was really amazing. Catching up. Talking about your plans. The lives we took and will take in the future. And just when we were about to part ways, you apologized. You apologized about the past. You know what, you need not worry. I forgave you a long time ago. I already let go of whatever bitterness I felt back then. You don't need to worry about me. I've gotten over you, didn't I? Before our last goodbye, again you hugged me. And before me stood my ex-boyfriend. The person I met six years ago during my ROTC days. The person who used to be my hitori. The person whom I used to call Penguin. A person whom I've shared silly jokes and laughter, and somehow been a source of my grief. But beyond all that, he is my friend.