Human nature

I like keeping things vague. People judge you yet in reality they don't know anything about you. They don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. The more they judge, the more I laugh. They got it so wrong. Twisted in the way they want you to suffer, fall, or whatever they want. It's not perplexing. It's human nature. And I love observing it. Ain't that amusing? :))

Random love post

Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe love just aint for me. I dont conciously seek for it or anything but witnessing it happen for the people around me and wishing that I'd have something like that someday lessens the hope that I will find it. Haha maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe I still believe that love is possible. A love worth a thousand love stories. Or perhaps. A love that will put those stories to shame. But alas, that love is not for me. At least for now. I will merely be an observer. Love is not something I want or seek at this point. Or is this maybe a start of the end of love for me? Hmm

Musing musings

I know being loved by you would be so awesome. I know you'd always be there for me and would try your best to make me smile. You'd try even harder not to hurt me. But as much as I'd love to have that kind of relationship, I have never imagined myself with you. You are my buddy and you deserve the best in the world. And frankly, that's not me. I jist have this feeling in my gut that would not disappear. Yes, I'm assuming but who cares. Musing musings. That's that. Off to bed.

Sad or Bored

I wanted to see how far we'll go. I just wanted to cuddle up next to you. With you, i don't feel as lonely. With you, I feel comfortable and warm. But we know from the very start that this solace is not for us to keep. It's a very fragile thread that just there for a while. It's inevitable that we bid goodbye. Don't get me wrong. You are someone that I really like and I know you like me too, in a lesser sense though. We weren't made for each other. I know that. And I've accepted that a long time ago. I don't have romantic feelings for you. You were there for comfort and warmth. My very special friend. My confidant whenever my constant surge of anxiety kicks in. In a sense, my happy pill. And just like that I want to cling on to you. Addicting...but things are complicated as it is. You have your girl. And I am a friend. There is no more room for me to hold you. It is not my place. Right now, I'm not sure whether I'm sad or just bored. I probably can't hang out with you the way we used to. No more teasing conversations. Less fun for me then. Still, I can't decide whether I'm sad or just bored...

Smoke

In this game we call smoke, I lose. Each and everytime I play this game, I lose. I know this game aint for me. I know that even if I try my hardest, I will never win. I ain't the right player for this.

Goodbye, smoke. This is the end. After this, no more games. All that's left are the burned memories. Fragments and pieces. Smoke and twigs.

More than enough

I loved you when even the word forever did not suffice. I loved you that no words is enough describe. I loved you yet I choose to leave you. I miss you very much but I will not come back. I loved you with everything. I loved you and still I long for you but I cannot go back. I must not come back. You and I have suffered enough. I have suffered more than enough.

Sooner or later, I'll be over you. It would be a very hard path. There are a lot of bumps along the road. I will trip and fall but I know I will get over you. I choose to leave you. The love that once bound us have already tattered to pieces. I loved you and that is more than enough.

Kaya mo.

Walang mangyayari kung patuloy kang iiyak. Ito ang pinili mo. Panindigan mo. Kaya mo. Kakayanin mo.

Realization

I've been rereading some of earlier posts and I can't help but feel that I was such an ass. I mean really. I was an ASS! Grabe. I don't know if I was being naive or just plain stupid. haha Yet, somehow little by little I saw myself grow. I saw how my love grew and became powerful. I saw a lot of my good side and bad side. My ex really did have a hard time loving me, a spoiled indecisive little brat. But he loved me before. And I loved him more because he did. But I guess what I did early in our relationship had its toll. Nevertheless, I refuse to take all the blame. I saw my self mature. To be put in so much anguish and hold on. It was a beautiful sad story. The end was put off more than a few times but we got there just the same.

Kung bakit kita minahal

Natanong na naman ako, bakit daw hindi kita maiwan? Bakit daw kita minahal? Bigla akong natigilan. Napaisip ako kung anong isasagot ko. Bakit nga ba? Sa hinaba-haba ng panahon na minahal kita, bakit nga ba? Pinagisipan ko ng mabuti ang dahilan at sa tingin ko wala ng mas hihigit pa sa rasong ito: dahil minahal mo ako. Minahal mo ako sa panahong mismong ako sumuko na sa sarili ko. Minahal mo ako sa panahong walang wala ako. Minahal mo ako kahit halos alak na lang ang laman ng sikmura ko. Minahal mo ako kahit na wasak na wasak ako noon. Minahal mo ako ng higit sa pagmamahal ng mga nauna kong mga boyfriends. Ipinakita mo sakin na karapat dapat ako sa pagmamahal na seryoso. Minahal kita sapagkat handa kang masaktan para sa akin. Minahal kita sapagkat minahal mo ako. Yun ang pinakamatinding rason kung bakit.

Mahirap ipaliwanag sa lahat kung bakit sa lahat ng tao ikaw pa. Pero pinanindigan ko ang pagmamahal ko sayo. Isang bagay na sa huli pala'y mauuwi din sa isang pamamaalam. Nagbago ka. At kahit ilang ulit pa nating ulitin ang istorya natin, mauuwi't mauuwi rin ito sa hiwalayan. Hindi na ikaw ang lalaking minahal ko...sapagkat ang lalaking mahal ako kailan ma'y hindi ako magagawang lokohin.

Sa totoo lang, akala ko talaga tayo na. Para tayong araw at buwan. Kung gaano iniiwasan ang init ng araw, sya namang paghanga ng mga tao sa kagandahan ng buwan. Ngunit hindi liliwanag ang buwan kung wala ang araw. Kumbaga, ikaw ang araw at ako ang buwan. Maiksi ang pasensya mo. Mainitin ang ulo. Ako naman pasensyosa at handang magparaya. Ikaw at ako'y nabuhay kakabit ang hininga ng isa't isa. Yun ang gusto kong isipin noon.

Maraming nang bagay ang nangyari buhat noon at kahit ang isang romantikong tao katulad ko, na naniniwala sa isang tunay na pag-ibig, ay kailangang bumitaw. Ikaw man ang araw at ako ang buwan, kailan ma'y hindi natin kayang pagsaluhan ang langit sa habang panahon. Sa bawat patak ng luha na dumaloy sa aking mga mata'y sya namang paglalim ng sugat sa aking puso. Ang mga taong pinagsaluhan, aahin pa kung puso ko nama'y upos na upos na. Ang aking mundong umikot sayo, unti-unting tumigil, nadurog at naglaho.

Magiba man ang ihip ng hangin, iyong pagkatandaan, minsang minahal ng buwan ang araw sapat upang hamakin ang lahat. Ngunit ang araw, gaano man ito kalakas, dadating at dadating ang oras kung saan ang liwanag nito'y unti-unting matatakpan ng mga ulap. At ang panahong pagsasamahan ng araw at ng buwan ay tuluyan ng maglalaho. Katulad ng pagmamahal nating dalawa.

Round and Round We Go

You and I...Me and you...Us...we...lots of words used to indicate the two of us. It was never easy to describe what we were and what we are. It's complicated without being COMPLICATED. Haha Words are just not enough to fully capture what it is that we have. No matter how hard one tries, never will he succeed it describing this topsy turvy thing that we have. Everything falls short except the word FUN.

I love it when we talk. I love it when you hold my hand. And I love it when we kiss. I feel so warm. And just like a little high school girl, I feel so giddy inside. I love how you make me feel so happy. We are friends. Maybe a bit more. But we'll always be less than lovers. I will always like you the same way I did before but never love. It's too complicated! Haha And this is coming from someone who lived up to years in full complication! But never again.

Hand in hand we go. Let's be off to see the world. Let's conquer everything in our paths. You and me. Let's plunge head on to this. Round and round we go!

Something more

For the first time in such a long time, I actually felt happy. My frozen soul has been warmed and thawed. I'm happy to have laughed my heart out. I might have looked pretty foolish but I had fun. We had fun. :)

Shooting star

Fall hard, baby. Fall hard like a shooting star. Fall, strike Earth and shatter into pieces. I like you broken like that. I know how the story goes. I'd like to see you get your karma. 

I hope this is goodbye

Mahal ko, sana bago matapos tong taon na to, makalimutan na kita. Sobrang pasakit ang binigay mo sa akin. You cheated on me with that wretched woman and now she's officially your girl. I'm not sure what to feel and how to act. It's quite laughable. I'm laughing in annoyance. I hate you. I really do. But because you gave me so much pain, it's hard to forget. I did everything I could but holding on is not for me anymore. We had our time. And it has passed. I am annoyed with myself that I'm thinking of you still. I hate you, bam. Katulad ng pakiusap ko noon, wag ka ng babalik.

I wanna have the strength to really move on and forget you. I'm not a fan of goodbyes but I know this is for the best. I loved you. At least that much is not a lie.

I'll get through this

It's funny. I just realized I write more here either when I'm heartbroken or too happy and so much in love. Writings really is a therapy. I can release the negative emotions and in the happier times, magnify that happiness by a hundred times over.

Today is his birthday. I really wanted to celebrate it with him before and somehow I feel a bit of a loss. Then again, it's not my fault.

Because I still felt a bit down, I started questioning the reality of love and whether or not I should believe it. Then again, I guess no matter how painful it is, I will still find myself believing that true love exists. A kind of love that will make the hurt go away and never return. I hope it's not wishful thinking. Haha soon enough, when the pain subsides, a new love will begin. Be it not a romantic kind of love, yet a kind that will make my heart feel lighter.

HBD '14

I've been celebrating your birthday for the past 5 years. First, we spent it with my sis and your friends at your house. Second, I gave you a surprise cake from Max's and cooked spaghetti.  Third, I gave you a cake from Bakerite and treated you to Gumbo's. Fourth, we've broken up by then. You had a gf then and I just sent you a message. Fifth, was last year. You joined a marathon and I was there with you and Tito. I gave you a runner's cap. And now, I don't even want to greet you. You broke my heart. Even wanted to forget this day altogether but that's just ain't happening, right? I wanna write you off the face of the Earth. I hate you, womanizer, you, liar! Cheater! Have a happy fucked up life, you stupid moronic person! I just hate you. FU.

This is what I wrote earlier yet through it all I can't help but at least greet you a happy birthday. I'm seen zoned. Not even a thank you at that but oh well. I shouldn't care much.

Enough

Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe we were never supposed to be lovers. Maybe we don't really belong in each other's lives. Bam, turtle, my love...for the 2nd time you cheated on me. You said that you'd work hard to gain back my trust. You said that I was the only one. That I was your future wife. Being the fool that I am, I believed you. For the nth time, I believed you. How many times must you hurt me? How many times will you fool me? As much as I love you, even my love is not enough to satisfy you. You are greedy.

I wanted for things to be okay. I honestly believed that it would work out. That eventually you'd be back to the way you were before. An honest and dependable man that I adored. But I think you're too caught up in your lies that you don't even see where you're headed anymore. Your indecisiveness, guile, and quite frankly, your worldly lust and selfishness has gotten the better of you. You say that you love me but managed to spend the night with other women in your bed? Is my love not enough?

This isn't the kind of relationship I want. I'm drowning in my insecurities and yet you won't give me any assurance where we're heading. It tears me up inside and every time this happens all I can think off is, am I not enough?

But dear, I am enough. I am more than enough. For who loves me, I will be enough. I don't have to compete for time. I won't have to ask the simplest request. I won't have to fight for your attention. Coz I deserve someone who'll give me all that without the tiniest bit of hesitation. I deserve a real man in my life. Someone who wouldn't draw up castles in the sky only to break them down with the harshness of reality.

With every bit of my heart, I love you...but even the strongest of love will break under these insurmountable lies. I had done enough. I had cried enough. I gave you more than second chances. And yet, I was not enough...and I guess I never will. Maybe it's really time to bid farewell to this relationship...

And to the girl who befriended me, Karla, I really did like you. I really thought that we could have been good friends. I guess I'm really a bad judge of character. You were no friend at all. You lied to me. I confronted you and still you lied. How dare you sleep with my guy? How dare you feign innocence and make me feel like everything was all in my head? Then again, if you can't even respect yourself, how can I expect you to respect me. It's funny coz you wished our relationship goodluck and told me you were rooting for us. What the hell, Karla. I really shouldn't have trusted you. You are after all one of his exes.

So finally, let's put an end to this dysfunctional relationship. You can keep your bitch. I'm not staying. Rather, I'm moving forward. Far away from assholes like you.

"How do I unlove you?"

A lot of things happened between us. Last year was the worst time I spent with you. You broke my heart and shattered every ounce of hope that maybe this time we can make it. Maybe this time we'll have a love that transcends time. Constant in its beauty and warmth. Always welcoming and comforting.

Last year I thought about you and I together again. Being the romantic type, I thought that having you by my side was the universe's way of saying that it was the way it was meant to be. That you and I belong together. After all, you were the turtle and I was the shell. Life would cease to exist for both of us without the other one around.

But I was wrong.

You so easily left my side.

What I saw in your eyes was not love. Though it was not hate either. What I saw in your eyes were of irritation and of disgust. I asked myself over and over what have I done to deserve that. What have I done for you to easily replace me with another? And then I found myself drowning my sorrows in beer again. Crying and wishing that my world would just end right then and there.

A month had passed with no text or call from you. You left me hanging with the promise that in one month you'd give me an answer. In that span of time, I distanced myself from what we had. I fought hard and was left with a feeling of detachment. For more than five years, I loved you and yet it seemed like the end was inevitable.

On Christmas eve, I was talking to your new girl. She was telling me there was another one involved. I lost my mind. Never once did I think of you as a two-timing kind of guy. Three time at that! But I never talked to you about it. After all, I am nothing but a past you simply could not wait to get rid of.

January came and with that you came back. Suddenly telling me that you made your mind and picked me. That you left everything for me. Deep in my heart I was glad. After everything, it was still me.

I thought that maybe, this time and again, it will work out.

How can you love a man so much to be this stupid? To hurt yourself over and over with a kind of love you always knew was lacking. Are you really happy with this guy or are you just afraid of being alone?

I am still the stupid girl I was before. I am still seeing him. I love this guy enough that it drives me nuts. And yet it's the kind of love that leaves me hurting. He tells me he loves me, but i know for a fact that I love him more. Much more than he can ever love me and it makes me feel lonely that it hurts so much.

I don't think he will be able to fill the void in my heart with his kind of love. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. But how can I let go of someone I love so much? I don't know but I think loving him is causing me more harm than good...but still I can't let go of that person. The person who gave me so much joy and so much pain...