Love and Sadness

I'm stuck with this overwhelming sense of sadness. It's like my heart wants to break into a thousand pieces. I am so lost right now. I don't have someone to keep me grounded anymore. I'm floating, yet I keep tripping and falling. I'm so sad right now. My heart wanders to the place where I've been for the last two years. All the love and the memories. It strangles me and drowns me. I'm confused and hurt yet there's no one else to blame but myself.

I keep thinking what was so important that I had to leave my comfort zone. I keep thinking that if I stayed there I wouldn't have this feeling. I could have saved myself from all these unnecessary pains. Yet, I have to realize that I'm doing this for my own good. Love will not sustain me forever. One needs safety and stability. I need what I want. I want what I need. Someone who is not necessarily the right person but will make himself right for me. Someone who will love me and take care of me. Someone who frequently checks on me. Someone who picks me up after work though he himself has had a rough day. Someone who never allows me to go home by myself. Someone who would always be glad to see me and always greet me with a smile. A person who will go out of his way just for me.

In every relationship it is always I who gives my all. I always end up taking care of the person I love. It's fine...but I need to be taken cared off too. I need to be loved in the way that is recognizable to me. I need my love to speak my language. I need him to learn my love language and I need to learn his as well.

I'm getting tired of crying...I don't wanna hurt anymore...

Jealousy

What is this I'm feeling? I've been thinking about the two of you for quite some time now. I couldn't really shake the thought of you and her together. I know that you're friends and everything but somehow, this feeling keeps recurring. Like an endless nightmare. I think I really might be jealous of her.

Why is it that I can never say it out right. I never want to assume because I might just fall flat on my face. I run whenever things get complicated. Well, things are getting too complicated now and what do I intend to do about it? Absolutely nothing. Although I maybe jealous of her right now but I'm hoping eventually this feeling will die down. I really don't want to do anything because I'm down right scared.

I'm scared of my feelings for you.

I don't want a sticky situation and I don't wanna get caught in this dilemma. But I think it's a bit too late to be saying stuff like this 'cause I'm already here. I'm exactly where I was a year ago. It's a bit different but the feeling's the same.

Last year someone loved me so much that it hurt for me to let him go. It was a very pure love. Innocent and pure. Yet this time, I'm not even sure if he's serious about me. I guess that's what scares me the most.

As much as I try to deny it, little by little I'm getting too drawn to him. I'm liking him more than I'd like. I'm trying hard not to fall 'cause I don't wanna lose my balance...

One year

I just realized that it's been one year since Ondoy. It's so weird. I just dreamt of him today.

*DREAM SEQUENCE*

I woke up inside my dad' room with Dada. I looked outside and I saw him. He was sitting in the bench near our store. He was reading a book. He looked so familiar and then I realized who he was. My dad called saying breakfast is ready. Dada and I came to the table. I paused and thought of him. I wondered if he's had his breakfast. I looked outside and at the bench he was sitting on earlier. He was gone. I looked again and found him at the other bench. The sun was becoming too much to bear for him so he moved. I called his name. He looked up at me and smiled. Invited him in for breakfast. Again, he smiled.

We came inside. I introduced him to my dad. He stayed silent for a few seconds. My mind called out for him to greet him. I sighed relief when he did. He sat down with us as we had breakfast. I was very happy to see him. He came all the way from Manila to Batangas. I was indeed very happy. And then I woke up again. I wondered if everything was just a dream. And then I found his plate. I smiled. It wasn't a dream after all. He was really there.

It was this time that I really woke up.

*END DREAM SEQUENCE*

I felt guilty thinking about him. I felt bad that I felt happy. I called up my boyfriend told him everything. I was just so weird. I guess my unconscious is trying to tell me something. *sigh* Let's leave it at that. It's no use.

I wonder. When I think of him does he think of me too?

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Disappointment

I wanted to tell you how my day worked. I wanted to tell you the disappointment I had all day. I thought I can have your sim card back. But it seems impossible now.

I wanted to give you back your sim card. I thought it was the only thing I can give you that no one else will be crazy enough to do. I tried calling it a few times and it was always out of reach and then a few days ago, it was ringing. It was still active. I contacted the person safeguarding it and even managed to arrange a meeting to return the card. He agreed.

I was never a proponent of eyeballs but there I was, so excited with the prospect of getting the sim card back. I even bought another sun sim to swap. On the day of the meeting, I was running late so I rescheduled it at 1:30PM, 30minutes behind the original schedule. He said that he had to attend to other things and will meet me at 4pm instead.

I got to SM Fairview (the agreed meeting place) a few minutes before 4pm. Since “Cris” was not texting me, I decided to give him a call after 15 minute. I called and called. At first he said he didn’t have enough load to text me, and then because of my stupid phone, I was cut off. Then I called again, nobody was picking up. A few more attempts and a lady picked up. She asked who I was and had me explain the whole situation, and it didn’t help that she hung up on me. When I called again, an older lady picked up. She said that Cris left a few minutes ago. It was then that I realized that he would never go though much trouble to return a sim card.

I figured I must be crazy trying to get a hold of it. I wanted it so much that when the disappointment came, it was too much for me to handle. I was angry, disappointed, and I felt very stupid. There was nothing I can do but cry.

I cried because I felt like I lost in this game that I played. I cried because I felt the unfairness of it all. I’ve always believed in the value of words. When you say something, you mean it, much more if it was about a promise or a meeting. In meetings, people clear their schedule or block out their planners just to attend it. Also, when two people agreed on something, it’s like promising to that person. It’s just so unfair that he agreed to meet only to take it back at the last minute. I cried because I am a naïveté and I never think bad of people, until he does something bad to me. To me, every person is innately good. I cried because I always trust too much. I trusted that person so much and gave him a chance to hurt me. I cried because I am stupid and it hurts.

I wanted to tell you all this but what will that accomplish? Nothing. You’re still not that comfortable with me and I can sense why. I don’t have to say it to know that you can feel it. And I am just so sorry. It’s very hard for me to let go of people, especially those that are dear to me. It’s very hard.

Reactions

Tama na. As in tama na. I don't want anything to do with you so please stop tormenting me. I don't want to hear your voice. I don't want to text you or call you. I just don't. It's freaking stupid when we do that. I mean, I feel so stupid. So used. So please stop it. Give me a sense of pride, will you? I'm just too damn nice sometimes. I can't be rude. *sheez* I hate myself.

Whenever I think about you, it give me mixed feelings. Yes, you were a first and quite memorable. You can never be erased from my mind. But what is it with me that keeps getting irritated with the thought you you. Can it be that I'm not over you? Oh f***! I think I may still be bitter. I loved you with my everything and now, I should hate you. But I can't. You still have the power to affect me so.

You can make me smile. You can make me laugh. You can make me cry. And you can make me feel oh so stupid. It's pathetic. I hate feeling this way.

Maybe it's better if I just let exes be exes...and cut all connections? It just feels so weird having you again in my life. Not too close but present. It makes me feel like I want to erase you from my memory.

Hay...will I end up feeling the same for that guy. Once I get over my feelings for him will it be the same? In order for me to move on, will I subconsciously begin to hate him? I wonder. He is a guy not deserving of my hatred. He was a wonderful guy and I even ended up falling for him. But I guess, now, we are mere strangers.