Swimsuits and the past

It's funny that after 4 years, I'm still writing about you. We had such a ling history together that I can't help but be reminded of you. I'm not particularly sad, in fact I laugh at the funny times we shared, i still treasure them. You had such a great impact in my life that even the negative things you said about me lingers.

Earlier, my friend and I were shopping for swimsuits, I paused for a while and recalled that you said I'd rather not wear bathing suits that shows my stretchmarks because you didn't want me to embarass myself. That scene flashed before me. I think I was browsing an online catalogue looking for swimsuits and asked for your opinion. I wanted to hear words of encouragement from you but that clearly didn't happen. I felt so ugly after that. Like I didn't deserve to be by yourside.
, that kind of ugly. And I never felt reassured. After a while, towards the end of our relationship, you became quite nitpicky with me even noticing the slight asymmetry in my smile that make me feel so self conscious after. There were other things, of course, but these immediately came to mind.

You made me feel bad about myself in so many ways. Your womanizing didn't help either. I questioned myself a lot why it ended up this way. What I could have do to make things better. How could I have made myself a better match for you. These and many more left me more dissatisfied with myself. It took a long while for me to get my confidence back up, yet it remained feeble. I have to be stronger.

I am an actress. I go onstage to act. In the same way, I put on an act to fool everyone. Confident on the outside, yellow on the inside. That trauma from the past is healing...