To the Person Who Used to be my Hitori

Meeting you again for the first time after two years almost seemed unreal. It was funny and weird at the same time. I really didn't know what to expect. Maybe we'd have a lot of awkward silence and tense moments. Loss of words and ultimately, loss of anything to talk about. But it was beyond what I could have imagined. When I saw you earlier and met me with arms wide outstretched and hugged me tight, I know I need not worry. The person who stood before me was a friend.
Three years ago, my world was shattered when we broke up. I felt devastated and unworthy of love. Of retaining a serious relationship. I felt like a toy that people would just throw away after playing with it. It was as if the torture of my first break up was relived. With no one there to comfort me, no one to ease the pain you left, I felt like trash. I blamed myself and then I blamed you. I was in agony.
Fortunately few months after, I got better. Someone else had taken your place. He saw what you couldn't and from there a relationship blossomed. He was very dear to me but our time together eventually came to an end.
A year after our break up, we saw each other again. I was actually checking whether I still felt something for you. There was none. But I was left with awkwardness.
And then there you were, two years after we last saw each other, checking on me again. Wanting to see me. It felt weird initially. But being the person that I am, I brushed it off as nothing. Instilling in my mind that it has no romantic significance, that it was a friendly gesture. You are after all, engaged. And so we agreed to meet and have lunch. It was really amazing. Catching up. Talking about your plans. The lives we took and will take in the future. And just when we were about to part ways, you apologized. You apologized about the past. You know what, you need not worry. I forgave you a long time ago. I already let go of whatever bitterness I felt back then. You don't need to worry about me. I've gotten over you, didn't I? Before our last goodbye, again you hugged me. And before me stood my ex-boyfriend. The person I met six years ago during my ROTC days. The person who used to be my hitori. The person whom I used to call Penguin. A person whom I've shared silly jokes and laughter, and somehow been a source of my grief. But beyond all that, he is my friend.

You still have my heart

Last night, I summed up the courage to text you. I was very nervous. I thought that it wouldn't matter whether you replied or not. I was anxious and tensed. Finally, you replied. I froze. I started shaking. I was really cold. The conversation was about the money you owe me. You agreed to pay me back. I thought that would be the end of the messages but you asked me how I was. I couldn't take it. I was just too tensed. I was shaking and I couldn't help but cry. I hated myself for feeling that way. Yet I felt as if I pushed too hard on us being friends that I made a few jokes and used a lot of smileys. I felt it was a mistake. Because the moment you stopped replying, I felt stupid. It took me quite a while to calm down. I felt like throwing up. I felt like crying again and the shaking took a while to subside. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much. I guess until I can keep my emotions in check, we can never be friends. You still have the power to affect me so.

Seeing you happy with someone else. Remembering our past. Reliving how it ended. All this gives me a nauseating feeling. I can't bear it. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop.

My Resolve

I cannot dictate my heart to let go and stop hoping yet I know that eventually everything will be in vain. My resolve is to wait this out. Let my heart wait until it can wait no more. Let it tire itself from the useless waiting. Someday, someone more deserving will come. Until that day let nothingness be my comfort. Let the emptiness that you left continue to be a black hole of emotions. You still have a special place in my heart but I will do nothing more. To observe from afar and to detach myself from your present, that would be the best thing to do. To get used to feeling nothing and to be comforted by nothing but when you start to fall from your heaven, I will be there so save you.

Sana mawala ka na

Mahal ko, napapagod na ata akong maghintay.

I guess that's good.

The heart can only wait so long. I hope it gets tired and just move on.

Sana mawala ka na sa puso ko.

Then and Now

You loved me then, I love you now

All that's left are the memories.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Good luck.

Farewell.

I love you.

Do you still think of me? Have I ever once crossed you mind? Do you still have some love left for me inside your heart?

Letting go is never an easy task. Yet I must stand on my own two feet. I must fight. I must survive. I won't let this depression kill me. I won't let my heartache get the best out of me.

11-11-11

Why does this still hurt? I just realized that you untagged yourself from our pictures. I know I shouldn't care but I feel so sad. It still hurts, sweetie. I know it shouldn't but still it does. I'm not even trying to romanticize the pain, yet it lasts. Why won't it go away?

I really don't want to cry. My eyes are already swollen. I don't want to yet my chest is already in anguish. It hurts so bad.

I know you've already forgotten. I know you've already recovered. You already love someone new and I'm stuck in the past.

There's a big possibility that I'll cry myself to sleep once more. There's a big chance that I'll think of you until I fall asleep.

I pity myself.

In the depths of my soul, I wish to tell you these words, words that have no more place in our lives, words that would have been sweet and beautiful yet are now mere make believe. In the depths of my soul, I wish to reach out to you, to hug you tight and pray that we'll never be apart. In the depths of my soul, I wish to say a "happy 3rd year anniversary to us"

Cheers.

Endless ramblings

Today, I erased your text messages. It took me a long time to do so. More than 10 months. I guess this time it's really real. I am really saying goodbye.

These past few months have been very hard. It just seemed like everything's happening way too fast. I lost you and I lost myself in the process. I just felt so lost. I lost all interest. My friends, my job, everything. I just couldn't function that well. I tried to keep a brave front. Hey, I can still smile so I must still be okay right? Smiling as if nothing's wrong yet hurting so bad I'd want to die. And truth be told, I thought of killing myself more than a couple of times. Stupidity, right? But that's how it is. When it hurts, you'd want to get away.

Finally, I chose to move on. I'm still hurting but what else can I do? I must move on. You have done that already. You succeeded in that so what's keeping me? There's no more chance of getting back what was lost. I was really devastated when you left. Everything about me was crushed. My pride, my ego and my heart. There was nothing left of me. I felt like trash.

It hurt to move. It hurt to go to work. It hurt to wake up. Everything hurt.

I was fortunate to have my friends and family around. I was fortunate because they loved me so much. I felt so bad making them worry.

I didn't like going to work because it reminded me of you. I changed my network because of the same reason. I tried to change how I look. I tried to change everything about me. I really tried but I failed. I'm still the old me.

Now, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of everything that hurts. I'm letting go of my job. I chopped off my locks. I stopped checking on you. This is really it.

Hey, I'm doing this not just for you. I'm doing this for myself as well. I'd be studying full-time for the next few months. And I look better now. Not as stressed as I used to be.

Everything has a reason...

You know what, it's been hard letting go. It might be because I felt guilty hurting you. But then again, what you did to me was far worse. In the game we played, I lost. I bit off more than I can chew.

This time, another chapter of my life will start. Whether you'd be a part of it or not is yet to be foretold. I used to think that when the love fades, we'd be left with friendship. But then again, was I too naive to think that way? Going through this, I don't think we can ever be friends again. What a sad reality, right? But I guess it would be for the best.

Let bygones, be bygones. And that's what you are. A bygone.

This entry is tainted by bitterness, I know. But let this be the last entry I write about our love because in this I am saying my last goodbye.

I loved you then, I love you now but by tomorrow I want you gone.

Goodbye, my love. It's the end. You'd caused me much pain and misery. Goodbye to you whom I loved so well. Goodbye and farewell.

If ever we'd see each other again, I know that it won't be because of love. If ever we do see each other again, I do hope you'd pay me back. In the end, it won't be about love. It won't even be about us. It goes down to money. It all boils down to money. That's the only thing I'd want now from you. To return what is rightfully mine. At least I can say that I didn't go empty handed. That's one thing that can satisfy my ego.