Endless ramblings

Today, I erased your text messages. It took me a long time to do so. More than 10 months. I guess this time it's really real. I am really saying goodbye.

These past few months have been very hard. It just seemed like everything's happening way too fast. I lost you and I lost myself in the process. I just felt so lost. I lost all interest. My friends, my job, everything. I just couldn't function that well. I tried to keep a brave front. Hey, I can still smile so I must still be okay right? Smiling as if nothing's wrong yet hurting so bad I'd want to die. And truth be told, I thought of killing myself more than a couple of times. Stupidity, right? But that's how it is. When it hurts, you'd want to get away.

Finally, I chose to move on. I'm still hurting but what else can I do? I must move on. You have done that already. You succeeded in that so what's keeping me? There's no more chance of getting back what was lost. I was really devastated when you left. Everything about me was crushed. My pride, my ego and my heart. There was nothing left of me. I felt like trash.

It hurt to move. It hurt to go to work. It hurt to wake up. Everything hurt.

I was fortunate to have my friends and family around. I was fortunate because they loved me so much. I felt so bad making them worry.

I didn't like going to work because it reminded me of you. I changed my network because of the same reason. I tried to change how I look. I tried to change everything about me. I really tried but I failed. I'm still the old me.

Now, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of everything that hurts. I'm letting go of my job. I chopped off my locks. I stopped checking on you. This is really it.

Hey, I'm doing this not just for you. I'm doing this for myself as well. I'd be studying full-time for the next few months. And I look better now. Not as stressed as I used to be.

Everything has a reason...

You know what, it's been hard letting go. It might be because I felt guilty hurting you. But then again, what you did to me was far worse. In the game we played, I lost. I bit off more than I can chew.

This time, another chapter of my life will start. Whether you'd be a part of it or not is yet to be foretold. I used to think that when the love fades, we'd be left with friendship. But then again, was I too naive to think that way? Going through this, I don't think we can ever be friends again. What a sad reality, right? But I guess it would be for the best.

Let bygones, be bygones. And that's what you are. A bygone.

This entry is tainted by bitterness, I know. But let this be the last entry I write about our love because in this I am saying my last goodbye.

I loved you then, I love you now but by tomorrow I want you gone.

Goodbye, my love. It's the end. You'd caused me much pain and misery. Goodbye to you whom I loved so well. Goodbye and farewell.

If ever we'd see each other again, I know that it won't be because of love. If ever we do see each other again, I do hope you'd pay me back. In the end, it won't be about love. It won't even be about us. It goes down to money. It all boils down to money. That's the only thing I'd want now from you. To return what is rightfully mine. At least I can say that I didn't go empty handed. That's one thing that can satisfy my ego.