New year

Every year start the same, with you and me chatting on messenger. Exchanging greetings, giving updates, and exchanging jokes. I don't know if you noticed but mixed with the jokes and laughter are all the feelings I'm trying to keep bottled in. We are not meant to be. And we will never be meant to be. But in my heart I know there's a flicker of hope I've been sustaining through the years. A hope that I'd like to put out but is being kept alive by these feelings that burn...

ito na naman...

Himala. Isang himala na makakaruha ako ng remedial exams. Isang himala sapagkat nung oras na iyon, ramdam na ramdam ko na wala akong alam.

Hindi ko alam kung ano dapat kong maramdaman. Natutuwa ako pero nalulungkot ako. Sobrang nanghihinayang ako. Sobrang naiirita. Akala ko sapat na ang inaral ko. Akala ko sapat...ngunit kulang. Nablangko ang utak ko. Ang kakarampot na kaalamang napagtibay ko sa loob ng isang gabi ng paspasang magaaral ay tuluyang nawala. Ang samplex na akala ko magiging sukatan kung gaano kahirap ang exam ay walang binatbat sa totoong exam. Nangamote ako.

Umasa ako. Umasa ako na ang mga alam ko ang lalabas. Umasa ako na sapat ang pag-aaral na ginawa ko. Hindi naman yun ang una kong pagbasa sa mga topics. Kahit papano naman siguro may natutunan ako. Umasa ako ngunit nabigo. Masakit. Lagi na lang akong sumasabit. Laging kulang.

Alam kong ako ang may kasalanan. Ngunit kahit gaano ko man katanggap na ako ang maysala , masakit pa rin. At muli ko na namang itatanong sa sarili ko, tama ba ang daang tinatahak ko? Para sa akin nga ba ito? Malungkot. Masakit. Pero kailangang magpatuloy...

The lost star

We were chatting earlier today. He told me in our relationship, I was not emotionally inclined. I beg to defer, it was the other way around. In our relationship, YOU were not emotionally inclined. But how could I say that? It's over. You and I were a thing of the past. I miss you. If given a chance I'd gladly pick you over other boys. But it's not possible.

Human nature

I like keeping things vague. People judge you yet in reality they don't know anything about you. They don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. The more they judge, the more I laugh. They got it so wrong. Twisted in the way they want you to suffer, fall, or whatever they want. It's not perplexing. It's human nature. And I love observing it. Ain't that amusing? :))

Random love post

Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe love just aint for me. I dont conciously seek for it or anything but witnessing it happen for the people around me and wishing that I'd have something like that someday lessens the hope that I will find it. Haha maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe I still believe that love is possible. A love worth a thousand love stories. Or perhaps. A love that will put those stories to shame. But alas, that love is not for me. At least for now. I will merely be an observer. Love is not something I want or seek at this point. Or is this maybe a start of the end of love for me? Hmm

Musing musings

I know being loved by you would be so awesome. I know you'd always be there for me and would try your best to make me smile. You'd try even harder not to hurt me. But as much as I'd love to have that kind of relationship, I have never imagined myself with you. You are my buddy and you deserve the best in the world. And frankly, that's not me. I jist have this feeling in my gut that would not disappear. Yes, I'm assuming but who cares. Musing musings. That's that. Off to bed.

Sad or Bored

I wanted to see how far we'll go. I just wanted to cuddle up next to you. With you, i don't feel as lonely. With you, I feel comfortable and warm. But we know from the very start that this solace is not for us to keep. It's a very fragile thread that just there for a while. It's inevitable that we bid goodbye. Don't get me wrong. You are someone that I really like and I know you like me too, in a lesser sense though. We weren't made for each other. I know that. And I've accepted that a long time ago. I don't have romantic feelings for you. You were there for comfort and warmth. My very special friend. My confidant whenever my constant surge of anxiety kicks in. In a sense, my happy pill. And just like that I want to cling on to you. Addicting...but things are complicated as it is. You have your girl. And I am a friend. There is no more room for me to hold you. It is not my place. Right now, I'm not sure whether I'm sad or just bored. I probably can't hang out with you the way we used to. No more teasing conversations. Less fun for me then. Still, I can't decide whether I'm sad or just bored...