One year

I just realized that it's been one year since Ondoy. It's so weird. I just dreamt of him today.

*DREAM SEQUENCE*

I woke up inside my dad' room with Dada. I looked outside and I saw him. He was sitting in the bench near our store. He was reading a book. He looked so familiar and then I realized who he was. My dad called saying breakfast is ready. Dada and I came to the table. I paused and thought of him. I wondered if he's had his breakfast. I looked outside and at the bench he was sitting on earlier. He was gone. I looked again and found him at the other bench. The sun was becoming too much to bear for him so he moved. I called his name. He looked up at me and smiled. Invited him in for breakfast. Again, he smiled.

We came inside. I introduced him to my dad. He stayed silent for a few seconds. My mind called out for him to greet him. I sighed relief when he did. He sat down with us as we had breakfast. I was very happy to see him. He came all the way from Manila to Batangas. I was indeed very happy. And then I woke up again. I wondered if everything was just a dream. And then I found his plate. I smiled. It wasn't a dream after all. He was really there.

It was this time that I really woke up.

*END DREAM SEQUENCE*

I felt guilty thinking about him. I felt bad that I felt happy. I called up my boyfriend told him everything. I was just so weird. I guess my unconscious is trying to tell me something. *sigh* Let's leave it at that. It's no use.

I wonder. When I think of him does he think of me too?

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Disappointment

I wanted to tell you how my day worked. I wanted to tell you the disappointment I had all day. I thought I can have your sim card back. But it seems impossible now.

I wanted to give you back your sim card. I thought it was the only thing I can give you that no one else will be crazy enough to do. I tried calling it a few times and it was always out of reach and then a few days ago, it was ringing. It was still active. I contacted the person safeguarding it and even managed to arrange a meeting to return the card. He agreed.

I was never a proponent of eyeballs but there I was, so excited with the prospect of getting the sim card back. I even bought another sun sim to swap. On the day of the meeting, I was running late so I rescheduled it at 1:30PM, 30minutes behind the original schedule. He said that he had to attend to other things and will meet me at 4pm instead.

I got to SM Fairview (the agreed meeting place) a few minutes before 4pm. Since “Cris” was not texting me, I decided to give him a call after 15 minute. I called and called. At first he said he didn’t have enough load to text me, and then because of my stupid phone, I was cut off. Then I called again, nobody was picking up. A few more attempts and a lady picked up. She asked who I was and had me explain the whole situation, and it didn’t help that she hung up on me. When I called again, an older lady picked up. She said that Cris left a few minutes ago. It was then that I realized that he would never go though much trouble to return a sim card.

I figured I must be crazy trying to get a hold of it. I wanted it so much that when the disappointment came, it was too much for me to handle. I was angry, disappointed, and I felt very stupid. There was nothing I can do but cry.

I cried because I felt like I lost in this game that I played. I cried because I felt the unfairness of it all. I’ve always believed in the value of words. When you say something, you mean it, much more if it was about a promise or a meeting. In meetings, people clear their schedule or block out their planners just to attend it. Also, when two people agreed on something, it’s like promising to that person. It’s just so unfair that he agreed to meet only to take it back at the last minute. I cried because I am a naïveté and I never think bad of people, until he does something bad to me. To me, every person is innately good. I cried because I always trust too much. I trusted that person so much and gave him a chance to hurt me. I cried because I am stupid and it hurts.

I wanted to tell you all this but what will that accomplish? Nothing. You’re still not that comfortable with me and I can sense why. I don’t have to say it to know that you can feel it. And I am just so sorry. It’s very hard for me to let go of people, especially those that are dear to me. It’s very hard.

Reactions

Tama na. As in tama na. I don't want anything to do with you so please stop tormenting me. I don't want to hear your voice. I don't want to text you or call you. I just don't. It's freaking stupid when we do that. I mean, I feel so stupid. So used. So please stop it. Give me a sense of pride, will you? I'm just too damn nice sometimes. I can't be rude. *sheez* I hate myself.

Whenever I think about you, it give me mixed feelings. Yes, you were a first and quite memorable. You can never be erased from my mind. But what is it with me that keeps getting irritated with the thought you you. Can it be that I'm not over you? Oh f***! I think I may still be bitter. I loved you with my everything and now, I should hate you. But I can't. You still have the power to affect me so.

You can make me smile. You can make me laugh. You can make me cry. And you can make me feel oh so stupid. It's pathetic. I hate feeling this way.

Maybe it's better if I just let exes be exes...and cut all connections? It just feels so weird having you again in my life. Not too close but present. It makes me feel like I want to erase you from my memory.

Hay...will I end up feeling the same for that guy. Once I get over my feelings for him will it be the same? In order for me to move on, will I subconsciously begin to hate him? I wonder. He is a guy not deserving of my hatred. He was a wonderful guy and I even ended up falling for him. But I guess, now, we are mere strangers.

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu?

Nakakainis naman oh. New year na new year isnabero! Hmph. Bahala ka. >:P Sabi nga nila, ang hindi umiimik, makaka-bad breath!!! WahahaXD

I refuse to let it affect my mood. I've been trying to reach out but if he won't let me, I can't. Just shows how really selfish I am. Can't let him heal at his own pace. I have to clean my conscience and stuff. It's more for my sake that his own. All I wanna hear is, "Let's leave the past where its at. Let's start being friends again. Do over to a new year" Well, I think that not gonna happen. At least not for now.

Any way, KAMPAI!!!

"Kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu (I look forward to our continued relationship over this year)"

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu! ^.^

A Confession to my Friend

I just really wanted to see if you're okay. I want to see what's up with you. We haven't been talking much these past few months and I just want to see if you'll be fine without me. And somehow I think you are.

It's a mixed feeling actually, I'm happy that you're fine yet a bit sad because you've managed to ignore me for so long.

If I was writing this a few weeks back, I would have wished for you to need me. To need me in the sense that you wouldn't be able to live without me. Back then I didn't want to choose. I wanted you as well as my boyfriend. I was selfish. I made you hurt and I made him hurt too. After thinking it out, I decided to chose you but you were no where to be found. It's hard giving your heart to someone who's trying very hard to forget you. I called. I texted. I tried to reach out to you, but I also wanted to preserve my pride...

When my boyfriend and I broke up, I wanted you to call me, to text me, or do whatever to contact me. But you didn't. And now, things changed. I'm not that selfish anymore. I'm setting you free as I am setting myself free.

It's a nice feeling not hoping for you to come back. No more false hopes. I've never been fond of goodbyes. Let's just start a new chapter of our lives. Just as friends. Nothing more, nothing less. For that to come true, I'll need your help.

When I lost you, my boyfriend worked hard to get me back. He didn't lose hope. At first I kept resisting his efforts, but now he reaps the fruits of his labor. He got me back. Little by little, he won me back. I didn't fell in love with him instantly, but I know that deep down I still have feelings for him. I love him, but still not to the point where I was in love with him. There's a big difference between the two. Yet, he held on to that.

Finally, after battling with myself several times, I know what I want. I want someone who'll be there, even though I raise hell at times, even though I make stupid decisions, and even though I hurt him at times. I want someone who'll love me despite my shortcomings.

I am not half hearted anymore. I lost my faith in forever and Bam has given it back. He made me believe in forever once more. I am once again, in love with him.

My friend, I pray that someday I can hear you laughter alongside mine. I pray that you'll take good care of yourself. May you be healed of your pain and may the sadness in your eyes be replaced with happiness. I will always love you and care for you. And when you need me, you'll know where to find me. *hugs*

My Christmas Wishlist

A lot of people's been busy writing their Christmas Wishlist. Might as well join the bandwagon! HahaXD So here goes:

1. Furisode with Obi. I really want a furisode! Ever since I got hooked into this geisha business I wanted my own kimono. J

2. Car. Yup. I want a car. I don’t care if it’s old. I just want a functional car. Haha. But first, I’d have to learn how to drive and get a license.

3. Laptop. Come on! I’m gonna start working soon. I want my own portable computer!

4. Teddy Bear. Haha. I’ve olways loved teddy bears! Right now I sleep with seven huggable stuffed toys. Mind you, I sleep in a single bed. Upper deck of the bunk. Haha.

5. Cellphone. Turns out, I’m not so lucky with cellphones. Strike two! First stike, I was robbed of my N70 inside UST campus. Second strike, my 6120c kissed me goodbye together with the Ondoy flood. I just want a phone that can store a lot of messages so I won’t erase as often and a camera wouldn’t hurt.

6. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes! I love shoes. I just hate shopping for them. Haha. I love it when they’re in a mag, but sometimes I lose interest when they’re already in front of me. Weird. Haha. Any way, I want a cute functional pair with a bit of heels...a stilleto also sounds tempting though. So much for functional! Haha

7. Perfume. I’d love a bottle of Clinique Happy or Estee Lauder’s Pleasures. Right now, their my signature scents. Hehe

8. Puppy. I really love dogs! Hehe. But I’m also scared of them. Haha. Among my top picks are Shih Tzu, Maltese, Siberian Husky, Chow chow or Golden Retriever. Another option is a Persian cat. I want it to be either pure white or pure black. Hehe

9. Chocolates. Love them. I’d mention some here: Twix, 3 Musketeers, Kisses, Hugs, ... As long as it’s yummy, it will do. Haha

10. Clothes. I just want something good to add to my wardrobe. XD

There it is. That’s all I can think off right now. Any way, you’re pretty much welcome to get me anything. I’d appreciate it whether its on or off the list. J