Relief

Things turned out better than I expected. I wasn't able to hear much drama from your stories and I'm so glad your family accepted the news wholeheartedly. I know I won't be there as much as I want but keep in mind that I'm still here whenever you need me. Just call me or text me.

I'm just so relieved. Let's prepare for the baby's coming then. :)

Ex-girlfriend

I know I'm a bit out of line. I'm not part of your family. It's not my place to meddle. But still, your family was and is a part of my life that's why I can't just turn away. In the same way, you were also part of my life... Right now, I won't be able to read your thoughts. I guess I'm not the best judge of your character, afterall. But please remember, when at your lowest and no one seems to understand, when you're too tired of explaining and just wants someone to be there, just come to me. I think this is going to be tough on you but I know you can push through. As selfish as it may seem, I just want to be there for you. To give you strength in your time of need. To just be beside you. I still value you very much. I hope with this selfishness you still see the good in me. I was, afterall, someone who treasured you. Someone who's always willing to be there for you, even if I am just your ex-girlfriend.

To a Little Sister I Never Had

I'm really happy to be one of the first people to know about you and your baby. We haven't seen each other in such a long time, I thought you forgot about me. I hope our little chat was able to shed some light on your troubled mind. I love you so much. You are like a little sister I never had. I love your family and I guess I have some insight as to how they will react. I hope everything will turn out for the best for you and your baby.

No matter what happens, I will always stay by your side. I'm just a call or text away. I will always be your friend, come what may.

I dreamt of a lot of things

I dreamt of a lot of things this week. I dreamt that I was hanging out with Carina, Fritz, Osche and Mac-mac. We seemed to get along just fine though there was a slight tension between Carina and I. They were staying at my house. In my dream, you also moved out of your house and was living under my roof as well though for that time being, you were not there. Before we hit the sack, we talked about you. She accused me of flirting with you and blaming me for the cold treatment you were giving her. I was annoyed with that and decided to send you an "I miss you so much" sms. Turns out, your phone was with her. She became furious. Couldn't blame her. But I was smirking. Later, my dad went into the room and she decided to tell on me. My dad just said, "That's why he looked familiar", and walked away. Instead of feeling guilty, I walked as if nothing's wrong. Besides, it was my house after all.

In that dream, I was such a bitch.

In another dream, I saw my shoti. He was making me smile again. He was very nice to me and the atmosphere was almost like love. We were at BRH and we playing tag. We were running and then suddenly upon reaching the ER, I'd slow down and walk. It's like I'm denying the fact that I was with him and that I was playing tag. I'd look at other people's faces and judge their reaction. Outside the ER, I'd continue running after him. We stayed at the plaza. He was still smiling and laughing. He didn't care that I let him run alone. I was the only one he cares about and no amount of judgement from other people can change that. And that's when I felt guilty. I don't feel the same way.

*********

Recently, I've been thinking about you a lot again. I'm even wondering if you're thinking of me too. Does my dream have any bearing with reality. After all, you want to see me. Although for what reason, I am unsure...

And then there's the confession that I received from my shoti. Somehow, it plagues my mind. He's a good kid. But I know I'm not the girl for him.

And so that's it for my thoughts for today.

I Have to Start

One day, I'll learn to stop checking on you. That's a promise that I'll keep for myself.

*Sigh*

I can't help but be reminded of you every single day. So for that, I have to start forgetting you. Let's just see where this goes. Again, this is another step in erasing you from my life.

Happy birthday, Turtle...

This is Awkward

Hey, baby, I finally know why you're acting this way. It's nice  of you to talk to me and tell me what's going on. Now I know that I'm not just imagining the awkwardness between us. *Sigh* That's why you're like that.

Baby, you like me.

When I'm near you, you can't help but feel nervous and tense. You can't act like you normally do. You are so anxious. You mentioned that maybe I just give off a strong vibe but that's just not it. You kept hinting that you like me or that you have a crush on me but it's all loaded with uncertainty. There's a struggle between you being a friend and having a crush on me that you can't help but feel that you have stepped beyond the line of friendship and it makes you feel guilty.

In our entire conversation, you may not have told me directly but it's clear to me that you are attracted to me. I'm not sure to what depths but that fact remains. I yearn for me to care for you and reach out. You hide this with plenty of jokes on the side and your childish demeanor.

Thank you for liking me. Thank you for seeing something special in me.

For a start, I don't hate you but I don't especially like you either. We're cool. I mean, you really are one of my babies.

I remember when we first met. You were a bit hyperactive but you were serious about your studies and you have a high drive for what you do. I really admire that about you. I see a kid in you. Someone I should help mold. In a sense, my shoti.

I don't really know how to break the awkwardness. I'm scared that if I reach out, I might hurt you. I might make you fall harder for me and that's not really my intention. I'm scared that I might give you false hope. I haven't really seen you as a man before...well, even as boy, really. I was just too focused on being a good "ate". And I don't know how to react to this.

I'm done believing

I'm done believing. I'm getting more and more hurt. Can't you see that? Don't open up an old wound. It makes it harder to heal. I'm so freakin' sick of all of this. I'm just too damned hurt. I mean how could you just break through my barriers as if nothing happened? Try to act sweet and show discontentment over your present girlfriend and damn you to compare her to me. You make me feel so stupid. I'm mortified that I'm affected by this. I'm done believing in something that's not there. I'm done believing that you'll come back. It's so damned stupid. To think that things will work out is just plain stupid. You're not doing anything in the first place. You just tip me off the edge and there's nothing I can do but fall deeper and deeper onto you. I'm a freakin' retard. Hay.