Yeah whatever

Woah! Wow! You actually deleted me from your list of FB friends! Woah. Wow! Congrats. Thanks a lot. It took a while. Hey, yeah. Whatever. Who needs you.

I'm pissed.

Off to sleep. Hope you're happy.

Stabbed Again.

You posted on my wall today. They were pictures of our Japanese cuisine escapade, of our trip to Baguio and Paskuhan celebration with my friends. You didn't even leave a message. You changed your profile picture from something I took three years back. Frankly, I don't know what to think. Probably you're sending me those pictures in order to finally delete them from your end. I'm sorry. I just feel so affected.

Everything is still hard for me. It's not easy for me to interact with you. Probably this is your move to show that we have no hard feelings between us. But why does it still hurt?

I can pretend all I want but I don't think I'm ready for friendship.

To the Person Who Used to be my Hitori

Meeting you again for the first time after two years almost seemed unreal. It was funny and weird at the same time. I really didn't know what to expect. Maybe we'd have a lot of awkward silence and tense moments. Loss of words and ultimately, loss of anything to talk about. But it was beyond what I could have imagined. When I saw you earlier and met me with arms wide outstretched and hugged me tight, I know I need not worry. The person who stood before me was a friend.
Three years ago, my world was shattered when we broke up. I felt devastated and unworthy of love. Of retaining a serious relationship. I felt like a toy that people would just throw away after playing with it. It was as if the torture of my first break up was relived. With no one there to comfort me, no one to ease the pain you left, I felt like trash. I blamed myself and then I blamed you. I was in agony.
Fortunately few months after, I got better. Someone else had taken your place. He saw what you couldn't and from there a relationship blossomed. He was very dear to me but our time together eventually came to an end.
A year after our break up, we saw each other again. I was actually checking whether I still felt something for you. There was none. But I was left with awkwardness.
And then there you were, two years after we last saw each other, checking on me again. Wanting to see me. It felt weird initially. But being the person that I am, I brushed it off as nothing. Instilling in my mind that it has no romantic significance, that it was a friendly gesture. You are after all, engaged. And so we agreed to meet and have lunch. It was really amazing. Catching up. Talking about your plans. The lives we took and will take in the future. And just when we were about to part ways, you apologized. You apologized about the past. You know what, you need not worry. I forgave you a long time ago. I already let go of whatever bitterness I felt back then. You don't need to worry about me. I've gotten over you, didn't I? Before our last goodbye, again you hugged me. And before me stood my ex-boyfriend. The person I met six years ago during my ROTC days. The person who used to be my hitori. The person whom I used to call Penguin. A person whom I've shared silly jokes and laughter, and somehow been a source of my grief. But beyond all that, he is my friend.

You still have my heart

Last night, I summed up the courage to text you. I was very nervous. I thought that it wouldn't matter whether you replied or not. I was anxious and tensed. Finally, you replied. I froze. I started shaking. I was really cold. The conversation was about the money you owe me. You agreed to pay me back. I thought that would be the end of the messages but you asked me how I was. I couldn't take it. I was just too tensed. I was shaking and I couldn't help but cry. I hated myself for feeling that way. Yet I felt as if I pushed too hard on us being friends that I made a few jokes and used a lot of smileys. I felt it was a mistake. Because the moment you stopped replying, I felt stupid. It took me quite a while to calm down. I felt like throwing up. I felt like crying again and the shaking took a while to subside. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much. I guess until I can keep my emotions in check, we can never be friends. You still have the power to affect me so.

Seeing you happy with someone else. Remembering our past. Reliving how it ended. All this gives me a nauseating feeling. I can't bear it. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop.

My Resolve

I cannot dictate my heart to let go and stop hoping yet I know that eventually everything will be in vain. My resolve is to wait this out. Let my heart wait until it can wait no more. Let it tire itself from the useless waiting. Someday, someone more deserving will come. Until that day let nothingness be my comfort. Let the emptiness that you left continue to be a black hole of emotions. You still have a special place in my heart but I will do nothing more. To observe from afar and to detach myself from your present, that would be the best thing to do. To get used to feeling nothing and to be comforted by nothing but when you start to fall from your heaven, I will be there so save you.

Sana mawala ka na

Mahal ko, napapagod na ata akong maghintay.

I guess that's good.

The heart can only wait so long. I hope it gets tired and just move on.

Sana mawala ka na sa puso ko.

Then and Now

You loved me then, I love you now

All that's left are the memories.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Good luck.

Farewell.

I love you.

Do you still think of me? Have I ever once crossed you mind? Do you still have some love left for me inside your heart?

Letting go is never an easy task. Yet I must stand on my own two feet. I must fight. I must survive. I won't let this depression kill me. I won't let my heartache get the best out of me.