Panic

I accidentally saw you yesterday.

After buying Soya milk I sat outside Higher Grounds. I was too lazy to walk towards Engineering building. I just kept thinking and convincing myself that I won't see you, that I was there because I was lazy, that's all. I figured you might not be there, my boyfriend will meet up with me any minute, everything was okay. I kept on looking at your building, thinking of you. How I won't be able to see you. I already thought of many excuses why so, I even distracted myself by playing some game from my cellular phone. It passed the time a bit. Just me with my cold serving of Soya milk. Yumm...And then, you were there.

I saw you with a friend. I saw you just as I was about to take another sip of my drink. My hand missed the cup and almost dropped it. If it didn't have a lid on it, it would have spilled. Oh boy. Would you have noticed me if I spilled my milk? Did you see me yesterday? Too shocked to see you, I panicked. What the hell can I say to you? After all the stupid things I've done. After eating my pride and reaching out to you. What the hell was I supposed to say? You dropped my calls more than a few times. Wouldn't even reply to my messages. I'm so ashamed of myself so doing so yet I persisted. And I've began to hate myself for all the stupidity I've done. I'm so ashamed.

There I was, trying to catch my fallen cup. Watching from a distance how you are once more outside my reach. My heart pounding, my mind floating, pulse racing. Did you notice me at all? With all the stupid things going through my head, I did what my instincts tell me. I ran away.

I don't have the courage to come up to you. I don't have the guts to greet or even just to say hi. I don't think I'll be able to look you in the eye and say I'm okay. It was so stupid seeing you. So stupid that it affected me so much. I don't think I can take it.

I know I have lost you. You are not my lover nor am I yours. But for a moment, I felt its reality. How you and I were somewhere reason cannot define. The boundary between right and wrong blurred and I was taken away.

Goodbye was the last word you had for me. It pained me deeply. But life must go on.

Our paths may separate. Reality has once again regained control. Though I had been hurt, I'd never regret meeting you. I'd never regret having you in my life, even just for a short while. You were everything I ever hoped a man could be. And now, thinking of you is but a bitter sweet memory.

Maybe someday we'll meet again. Maybe someday, we'll laugh at the memories we've shared. Maybe someday, we'll be able to talk to each other without the uneasiness I feel...

Maybe someday, we can still be friends.