"How do I unlove you?"

A lot of things happened between us. Last year was the worst time I spent with you. You broke my heart and shattered every ounce of hope that maybe this time we can make it. Maybe this time we'll have a love that transcends time. Constant in its beauty and warmth. Always welcoming and comforting.

Last year I thought about you and I together again. Being the romantic type, I thought that having you by my side was the universe's way of saying that it was the way it was meant to be. That you and I belong together. After all, you were the turtle and I was the shell. Life would cease to exist for both of us without the other one around.

But I was wrong.

You so easily left my side.

What I saw in your eyes was not love. Though it was not hate either. What I saw in your eyes were of irritation and of disgust. I asked myself over and over what have I done to deserve that. What have I done for you to easily replace me with another? And then I found myself drowning my sorrows in beer again. Crying and wishing that my world would just end right then and there.

A month had passed with no text or call from you. You left me hanging with the promise that in one month you'd give me an answer. In that span of time, I distanced myself from what we had. I fought hard and was left with a feeling of detachment. For more than five years, I loved you and yet it seemed like the end was inevitable.

On Christmas eve, I was talking to your new girl. She was telling me there was another one involved. I lost my mind. Never once did I think of you as a two-timing kind of guy. Three time at that! But I never talked to you about it. After all, I am nothing but a past you simply could not wait to get rid of.

January came and with that you came back. Suddenly telling me that you made your mind and picked me. That you left everything for me. Deep in my heart I was glad. After everything, it was still me.

I thought that maybe, this time and again, it will work out.

How can you love a man so much to be this stupid? To hurt yourself over and over with a kind of love you always knew was lacking. Are you really happy with this guy or are you just afraid of being alone?

I am still the stupid girl I was before. I am still seeing him. I love this guy enough that it drives me nuts. And yet it's the kind of love that leaves me hurting. He tells me he loves me, but i know for a fact that I love him more. Much more than he can ever love me and it makes me feel lonely that it hurts so much.

I don't think he will be able to fill the void in my heart with his kind of love. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. But how can I let go of someone I love so much? I don't know but I think loving him is causing me more harm than good...but still I can't let go of that person. The person who gave me so much joy and so much pain...

Dan Dan

More and more I find myself falling in love with you. It's not just because you spoil me with food. hehe I get to have my pick and we can eat almost anywhere. I love it when we go to different places together. I don't really care what we do, as long as I'm with you I'm happy. I really really love you. :)

Meeting my future mother-in-law!

We had dinner at Yakimix yesterday with his mom and dad. It was my first time meeting his mom and I was damn nervous! I couldn't really decide on what to wear. I asked a lot of people before finally settling for one of my dresses. I wanted to leave a good impression so I opted to wear a more conservative dress. When I got there I really didn't know how to react. Bam was in a sour mood. He was very tired. They went to Tarlac and back and dinner in Manila straight afterwards. We had a bit of an argument over our meetup place. He criticized my dress and told me that if he was me he'd burn my dress. He told me I looked like a ragdoll and that I was dressing up too old for my age. He called my dress the mommy-dress. I was hurt by his comments. I was already put off my our earlier argument and I was getting very nervous. On top of that, he made me feel ugly. As we pick up some items from the supermarket, he continued taunting my dress. When we finally made out way to Yakimix, he was still going on and on with my dress. We laughed a bit about it but suddenly, I broke down in tears. I really did think I looked pretty in my dress. I went over it for over a day and I even asked my friends to help me pick yet all efforts were wasted. The dress, his mood and my anxiety got the better of me and I cried. It took sometime before I calmed down. At least by then, his mood already improved.

And so there we were, in front of Yakimix, looking for his parents. And a few minutes after, the moment of truth, the introduction. Though I was nervous, I did manage to get a hold of myself; said my greetings and "mano po". I don't really remember much of what we talked about but I think things went smoothly. Hehe ;)

I wasn't able to go back home that night because it was rather late so they invited me to sleep over instead. I couldn't say no so I did. Staying at Bam's house til morning made me a bit closer to his mom. She was rather easy to talk to. She's very nice and accommodating. I guess Tito told her stories about me. She said she hopes that it will be Bam and I in the future and that Tito really likes me for Bam. She added that whoever's Bam's choice is, she'll support him all the way. We also talked about various things; her life abroad, her mom, their life before I met them. I'm really happy I felt minimal awkwardness towards his mom. And I really hope I made a good impression. :)

Then and now and still loving you

It's funny that now you can't seem to let go of my hand. You always reach out to me wherever we go. I love it that you always want to hold me close. It's quite a turnaround from where we where last year, when you wouldn't even let me touch you.

It's funny how you can't seem to get enough of my kisses. How you'd say goodbye three time before finally getting on your way. I love it that you stall for a bit and spend some more time with me. I love it how we seem like googly eyed teenagers. It's far from last year where you wouldn't even kiss me.

I love it that you came back in to my life. How it seems like the most natural thing to do. How it feels so right to have you with me once again. I love you so much. I'd hug you tight over and over, kiss you in as many ways as you like and never will I ever let go of your hand. Being with you is the sweetest and most perfect thing I could ever ask. Granted our story has a lot of flaws but it only made it more interesting and more beautiful.

I love you so much and I pray that you'd love me the same way, if not more. I love you and I hope we'll stay like this for all eternity; me with you and you with me. I love you and I hope to build a future with you. Cast your doubts aside, I will never leave you ever again. Trust me. Let's make history together. :)

Where do I stand?

Being together just like the old times, yet not having commitments. It makes me really sad but to be with the person I love, I must endure this. Without any certainty, I am still hanging by a thread. All of the negative thoughts still hound me. When he leaves will I be left with nothing again? I'm scared of the direction we're going. More than friends, more like lovers, but without an official relationship. Where do I stand?

I still ask if you really love me. Sometimes I feel like I love you a thousand times more than you love me. Like I'm a dam ready to break all because of my feelings for you. And yet, I don't feel the same from you...because with you I still feel your uncertainty.

You asked me to trust you and I desperately want to but how could I? You know how to make me at ease right? Can you offer me the security of being in a relationship with you? Is that really too much to ask?

I feel like a confidant than a lover...a special friend yet always a meter short of being the girlfriend.

I'm getting hurt...

I love you (2)

More than a year has passed and now we're back in each others' lives. It's stupid to say this but in that span of time, I have not looked at anyone the way I look at you. With you, my heart is all aflutter. It hurts and beats at the same time. It's exciting and thrilling and I don't wanna stop. I love you so much and my only wish is that you'd love me the same way, if not more. I love you, Bam. I long for the day that I can really call you mine. I'm so happy that I have you. I'm so thankful that you came back. There are a lot of questions I always forget to ask but I believe everything will be answered. Just love me and everything will be better. Everything will be grand. I love you.

I love you

It's funny how easy you captured my heart. Yes, it's all yours for the taking, yet there are still some hindrances along our way. I love you and I chose to stay with you forever. So please, take care of my heart. Let's stay strong. I'll make this official in a few more months. :) hehe