Another Chapter

I'm not sure if it's good or bad but, hey, we're friends again. I don't want to be stuck in the same place ever again. I think I deserve a better story this time. It's not necessarily a love story but it's another chapter with you and I. I don't know what to feel towards you. I'm concerned about you but to what extent I'm not sure. I love your family and I feel as if I'm part of it too. That's how accepted and loved they made me feel. With everything that's going on, I can't help but feel attached.

I'm not sure...

It's weird when something you've been praying for for the longest time becomes a reality. You don't know how to react. I mean, When you've already accepted the fact that there's no chance of getting back together. When you've finally garnered enough courage to pick up the pieces and move on, it happened. They broke up. I'm not really hoping that they'd break up. Before, maybe I would have been thrilled by this but then again I realized that that's just mean and bad. I never meant for him to be hurt. All I wanted was for him to be happy. Even if his happiness is not to be with me. Right now, I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to be there for him but there's hardly any need. He's strong. He can manage. I just want to be there for him for my own sake. Like bridging the gap of years. But another part of me is saying drop it. You've given too much already, don't add insult to your injuries. I really don't know what to do.

Right now, I'm weighing things. I don't want to seem desperate. I still like him. I really do. He is really precious to me yet at the same time I think I'm already falling for someone else. Wherever this goes, I must not make a mistake. I don't wanna be broken again.

Inside my Heart

It's the first I've imagined myself being with someone else. It tugs my heart. A feeling of pain and loneliness mixes with a little bit of hope. Maybe someday I'll be able to find my happiness. Maybe I can smile lovingly at someone else. Until that day, only you reside inside my heart.

Relief

Things turned out better than I expected. I wasn't able to hear much drama from your stories and I'm so glad your family accepted the news wholeheartedly. I know I won't be there as much as I want but keep in mind that I'm still here whenever you need me. Just call me or text me.

I'm just so relieved. Let's prepare for the baby's coming then. :)

Ex-girlfriend

I know I'm a bit out of line. I'm not part of your family. It's not my place to meddle. But still, your family was and is a part of my life that's why I can't just turn away. In the same way, you were also part of my life... Right now, I won't be able to read your thoughts. I guess I'm not the best judge of your character, afterall. But please remember, when at your lowest and no one seems to understand, when you're too tired of explaining and just wants someone to be there, just come to me. I think this is going to be tough on you but I know you can push through. As selfish as it may seem, I just want to be there for you. To give you strength in your time of need. To just be beside you. I still value you very much. I hope with this selfishness you still see the good in me. I was, afterall, someone who treasured you. Someone who's always willing to be there for you, even if I am just your ex-girlfriend.

To a Little Sister I Never Had

I'm really happy to be one of the first people to know about you and your baby. We haven't seen each other in such a long time, I thought you forgot about me. I hope our little chat was able to shed some light on your troubled mind. I love you so much. You are like a little sister I never had. I love your family and I guess I have some insight as to how they will react. I hope everything will turn out for the best for you and your baby.

No matter what happens, I will always stay by your side. I'm just a call or text away. I will always be your friend, come what may.

I dreamt of a lot of things

I dreamt of a lot of things this week. I dreamt that I was hanging out with Carina, Fritz, Osche and Mac-mac. We seemed to get along just fine though there was a slight tension between Carina and I. They were staying at my house. In my dream, you also moved out of your house and was living under my roof as well though for that time being, you were not there. Before we hit the sack, we talked about you. She accused me of flirting with you and blaming me for the cold treatment you were giving her. I was annoyed with that and decided to send you an "I miss you so much" sms. Turns out, your phone was with her. She became furious. Couldn't blame her. But I was smirking. Later, my dad went into the room and she decided to tell on me. My dad just said, "That's why he looked familiar", and walked away. Instead of feeling guilty, I walked as if nothing's wrong. Besides, it was my house after all.

In that dream, I was such a bitch.

In another dream, I saw my shoti. He was making me smile again. He was very nice to me and the atmosphere was almost like love. We were at BRH and we playing tag. We were running and then suddenly upon reaching the ER, I'd slow down and walk. It's like I'm denying the fact that I was with him and that I was playing tag. I'd look at other people's faces and judge their reaction. Outside the ER, I'd continue running after him. We stayed at the plaza. He was still smiling and laughing. He didn't care that I let him run alone. I was the only one he cares about and no amount of judgement from other people can change that. And that's when I felt guilty. I don't feel the same way.

*********

Recently, I've been thinking about you a lot again. I'm even wondering if you're thinking of me too. Does my dream have any bearing with reality. After all, you want to see me. Although for what reason, I am unsure...

And then there's the confession that I received from my shoti. Somehow, it plagues my mind. He's a good kid. But I know I'm not the girl for him.

And so that's it for my thoughts for today.