Swimsuits and the past

It's funny that after 4 years, I'm still writing about you. We had such a ling history together that I can't help but be reminded of you. I'm not particularly sad, in fact I laugh at the funny times we shared, i still treasure them. You had such a great impact in my life that even the negative things you said about me lingers.

Earlier, my friend and I were shopping for swimsuits, I paused for a while and recalled that you said I'd rather not wear bathing suits that shows my stretchmarks because you didn't want me to embarass myself. That scene flashed before me. I think I was browsing an online catalogue looking for swimsuits and asked for your opinion. I wanted to hear words of encouragement from you but that clearly didn't happen. I felt so ugly after that. Like I didn't deserve to be by yourside.
, that kind of ugly. And I never felt reassured. After a while, towards the end of our relationship, you became quite nitpicky with me even noticing the slight asymmetry in my smile that make me feel so self conscious after. There were other things, of course, but these immediately came to mind.

You made me feel bad about myself in so many ways. Your womanizing didn't help either. I questioned myself a lot why it ended up this way. What I could have do to make things better. How could I have made myself a better match for you. These and many more left me more dissatisfied with myself. It took a long while for me to get my confidence back up, yet it remained feeble. I have to be stronger.

I am an actress. I go onstage to act. In the same way, I put on an act to fool everyone. Confident on the outside, yellow on the inside. That trauma from the past is healing...

I dont wanna fall for you

For quite some time now, I've been questioning whether or not I really am in love with you. It's not much of a question whether I like you but love is an entire different entity. Love is something serious.  I want you so much that it scares me. It's a damn obsession I've had for a long long time. To be with you. To spend time with you. I'm not looking for any romantic gestures on your part coz no matter what you do, when you spend time with me, or even talk to me, my heart skips a beat. Is this love? Maybe. But I do not want to fall in love with you.

Restless

Everytime we meet, I feel sad after. I love spending time with you but you have the habit of breaking my heart each and every time. It's really sad. All I ask is for your time and the things you can give me. I never asked for more. But you keep pulling away. And you give me less and less each time. And you expect me to be contented with that? If you don't want me then leave me. Don't make me feel bad about asking for more 'coz it's your fault.

I've always talked about calling this off but I'm too attached, too comfortable with you. Maybe it is better if we stayed just as friends instead of this relationship. More than friends but less than lovers. It's getting complicated. And honestly, I'm thinking is this relationship really worth the effort? I'm beginning to feel unsatisfied.

Once Upon A Star

Sanay na ako. Alam ko naman. From the start I knew it won't end in a positive note. I really like you so much to the point that I think I'm in love with you. But this is as far as it goes. I'm sorry. I know I said we were good. I know I said I'm not mad. I know I said we're okay...but give me time to pick the pieces of my broken heart. This is already the second time you rejected me.

I wanted to be with you. That's all I wanted. To be able to stay by your side. But that ain't happening. We have our own circumstances. Still it doesn't change the fact that I like you. Possibly more than you will ever know, after all I'm just a hair short of confessing love...which I still question til now.

This is one of the hardest things I had to do. I'm trying to cut my connection with you. I don't wanna sever the ties but I think I have to for now. I think I deserve to spare myself from more heartaches.

I doubt na tatagal ako ng isang linggo na di ka nakakausap. Pero pano nga ba?

To You

Earlier, I saw someone who looked exactly like you from behind. Your hair and your thin frame. It makes me think of the moments I spent looking at your back. You were always a breathe of sunshine. How you'd shyly smile at me and your cute sweet gestures. I miss you. I miss how you treasured me. How I wish I could have chosen you...but alas, things that are not meant to be, are not meant to be. Still, I wanna see you. I wanna talk to you. When I do, will there be a spark of maybe? Will there be acceptance and closure? And would it be too much to ask who SC really was? Or if she really did exist? It still haunts me. The memories of you and me...of being left hanging...and finally forgotten.

New year

Every year start the same, with you and me chatting on messenger. Exchanging greetings, giving updates, and exchanging jokes. I don't know if you noticed but mixed with the jokes and laughter are all the feelings I'm trying to keep bottled in. We are not meant to be. And we will never be meant to be. But in my heart I know there's a flicker of hope I've been sustaining through the years. A hope that I'd like to put out but is being kept alive by these feelings that burn...

ito na naman...

Himala. Isang himala na makakaruha ako ng remedial exams. Isang himala sapagkat nung oras na iyon, ramdam na ramdam ko na wala akong alam.

Hindi ko alam kung ano dapat kong maramdaman. Natutuwa ako pero nalulungkot ako. Sobrang nanghihinayang ako. Sobrang naiirita. Akala ko sapat na ang inaral ko. Akala ko sapat...ngunit kulang. Nablangko ang utak ko. Ang kakarampot na kaalamang napagtibay ko sa loob ng isang gabi ng paspasang magaaral ay tuluyang nawala. Ang samplex na akala ko magiging sukatan kung gaano kahirap ang exam ay walang binatbat sa totoong exam. Nangamote ako.

Umasa ako. Umasa ako na ang mga alam ko ang lalabas. Umasa ako na sapat ang pag-aaral na ginawa ko. Hindi naman yun ang una kong pagbasa sa mga topics. Kahit papano naman siguro may natutunan ako. Umasa ako ngunit nabigo. Masakit. Lagi na lang akong sumasabit. Laging kulang.

Alam kong ako ang may kasalanan. Ngunit kahit gaano ko man katanggap na ako ang maysala , masakit pa rin. At muli ko na namang itatanong sa sarili ko, tama ba ang daang tinatahak ko? Para sa akin nga ba ito? Malungkot. Masakit. Pero kailangang magpatuloy...